I know myself, how vain and obstinate I am, how narrowly opinionated and slow to learn, and it seems miraculous that I could ever have pried my heart open enough to consider accepting the Lord. And yet, I did. I believe this could only have happened at that particular time, a time when I was thoroughly humbled, when my pride was broken and my very existence a fiasco. It was finally apparent, even to me, that no matter how strenuously I attempted to govern my own affairs, how greatly I desired to control my own destiny, I always failed. Always. The evidence was plainly there before me, in all its contestable finality. This had come as a shocking realization, one which took many years to get my whole attention. But now, I was truly aware, not only of my own inadequacy, but also of my need for an effective method of living. It was exactly at this moment in my life that spirit-filled Christianity presented itself as an attractive alternative.

Among the topics we discussed was baptism and its meaning. Marvel not that I said unto thee, Ye must be born again :' (John, 3:7 ) said Christ. But I did marvel, until I began to understand that He was referring to a rebirth of spirit and not a physical rebirth. Such statements are spiritual, and thus incompatible with reason and logic; reasonable and logical things are discerned through reason and logic, whereas spiritual things are spiritually discerned. Therefore, my mind could only help me up to a certain point. If I chose to proceed further spiritually, I would have to rely on something else.

I had spent too many years wandering in that cerebral wasteland where all things are relative. Now I was starving for meaning in my life, for purpose and truth. I had none of these things. The Lord promised them all.

Without hope or faith, and without pride to restrain me, I began admitting to myself that I might be desperate enough to consider born again Christianity. This admission eventually brought me face-to-face with two blunt alternatives: I could accept Christ's word at face value or refuse to accept Christ's word at face value. I had come to the place where reason ends and faith beg ins. And then I was beyond that place - by permitting my heart to yield to the barely distinguishable promptings of a tiny germinating hope I was being drawn toward the Holy Spirit of God. I was nearing a decision and was indeed nearer to one than I knew.