Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together this list to try and give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshman: submitted 6/2/99

1. The people starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.

2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era, and did not know he had ever been shot.

3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

5. There has only been one Pope. They can only remember one other president.

6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart, and do not remember the Cold War.

7. They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them -- not a movie.

8. They are too young to remember the Space Shuttle Challenger blowing up.

9. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

10. They never had a Polio shot, and likely, do not know what it is.

11. Bottle caps have not always been screw off, but have always been plastic. They have no idea what a pull top can looks like.

12. Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.

13. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.

14. They have never owned a record player.

15. They have likely never played Pac Man, and have never heard of "Pong."

16. Star Wars looks very fake to them, and the special effects are pathetic.

17. There have always been red M&M's, and blue ones are not new. What do you mean there used to be beige ones?

18. They may never have heard of an 8-track, and chances are they've never heard or seen one.

19. The compact disc was introduced when they were one year old.

20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.

21. They have always had an answering machine.

22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black & white TV.

23. They have always had cable.

24. There have always been VCR's, but they have no idea what Beta is.

25. They cannot fathom what it was like not having a remote control.

26. They were born the year Walkmen were introduced by Sony.

27. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.

28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.

29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

30. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

31. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player.

32. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

33. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as W.W.I and W.W.II or even the Civil War.

34. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

35. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

36. They don't know who Mork was, or where he was from.

37. They never heard the terms "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel" or "de plane, de plane!"

38. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.

39. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.

40. Michael Jackson has always been white.

41. Kansas, Boston, Chicago, America, and Alabama are all places -not music groups.

42. McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.

43. There has always been MTV, and it has always included non-musical shows.

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES - 5/30/99

HOW DO YOU FIND THE RIGHT PERSON?

ALAN, age 10: You gotta find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

KIRSTEN, age 10: No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out after who you're stuck with.

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

CAMILLE, age 10: Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

FREDDIE, age 6: No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

Eddie, age 6: Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.

DERRICK, age 8: You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

LON, age 8: Both don't want no more kids.

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

LYNNETTE, age 8: Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

MARTIN, age 10: On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

CRAIG, age 9: I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

WHEN IS IT O.K. TO KISS SOMEONE?

PAM, age 7: When they're rich.

CURT, age 7: The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

HOWARD, age 8: The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

THEODORE, age 8: I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.

ANITA, age 9: It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

KIRSTEN, age 10: Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper changing.

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

KELVIN, age 8: There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

ROBERTA, age 7: You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same.

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE MARRIAGE WORK?

LORI, age 8: If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes, especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it.

RICKY, age 10: Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.

Why it's great to be a man submitted 5/20/99 by David Pearson

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: He must be mad at me.

Same work more pay.

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.

You don't mooch off other's desserts.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with. "So, notice anything different?"

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can do your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Sayings submitted 5/25/99 by Arline Johnson

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle too.

This is as bad as it can get... but don't bet on it.

There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant.

The world gets a little better every day, and worse in the evening.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

The other line always moves faster... until you get in it.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything good.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Do unto others.

On or about 5/9/99 we received an email from somebody purporting to be Greg Bulmash. This person included an amusing little piece claiming to be an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment........and they hired him!" We have just received the following message from somebody purporting to be Greg Bulmash (email address greg@bulmash.com)

I would greatly appreciate your removing the application from your page as well as publishing a correction of the defamatory lies you published with it.

1: That it is an actual job application. It was written as a joke for my humor column which used to be published at www.bulmash.com

2: That they "hired him". That's part of the urban legend that has been > created by pernicious joke forwarders who thought it made it more funny.

3: That it was submitted by Greg Bulmash.

I have spent the better part of 3 years trying to correct the lies that have been attached to my COPYRIGHTED work that you have published without permission or compensation.

Please rest assured that I am not lying or kidding.

Sincerely, Greg Bulmash

Greg, we certainly apologize for not having the "real facts" available to us, and for not knowing that it was not really you who sent it to us. We can appreciate how deeply disturbed you felt at having such lies erroneously attributed to you. We wish you well in your hunt to locate and destroy all copies of that spurious application.

Technology Idiots submitted 04/29/99

I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppydrive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy." - - - - - - - - - - -

I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.

- - - - - - - - - -

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax machine?" 2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?" 1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened." 2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?" 1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

- - - - - - - - - -

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. "Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."

- - - - - - - - - -

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"\ Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

- - - - - - - - - -

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

- - - - - - - - - -

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

- - - - - - - - - -

A friend has been doing temp work at various offices. At one place she became the resident expert on the photocopy machine. One day there was a big backup. She went over to help and found that no one knew how to stop the copier from "punching" three holes down the side of each copy. She opened the paper tray, removed the three-hole paper and solved the problem.

Courses for Women submitted 4/22/99

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Combating Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday

4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

5. Man Management: Discover How Chores Can Wait Until After the Game

6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His

8. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .

9. Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the first

10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging

12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share

14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

15. Introduction to Parking

16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into a Space

17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving Towels on the Floor

18. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption

21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

23. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

24. Dancing: Why Men Don t Like To

25. Sex - It's For Married Couples Too

26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

29. Ballet: For Women Only

30. Oil and Gasoline: Your Car Needs BOTH

31. Learning to Use Public Toilets

32. Learning to Use the Toilet in Restaurants Without your Friends

33. Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big? - Why Men Lie

34. TV Remotes: For Men Only

35. Sexy Lingerie: It's Not Just For Special Occasions

Useful Work Phrases submitted 4/15/99

1) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

3) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5) I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

6) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7) What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

8) I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9) I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10) Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...

11) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

12) It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

13) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

14) No, my powers can only be used for good.

15) How about never? Is never good for you?

16) I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

17) You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

18) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

19) I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

20) I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

21) Who me? I just wander from room to room.

22) My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

23) It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

24) At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

25) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

26) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

27) Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

>>Politically correct usage when talking to/about females:

Politically correct usage when talking to/about females submitted 4/10/99

She does not: GET PMS She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL

She is not: A BAD COOK She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE

She is not: A BAD DRIVER She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED

She is not: EASY She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE

She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED

She does not get: DRUNK She is: ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED

You do not ask her: TO DANCE You request a: PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE

She is not: A GOSSIP She is a: VERBAL TERMINATOR

She does not: WORK OUT TOO MUCH She is an: ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER

She does not have: A GREAT BUTT She is: GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS

She is not: HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED

She is not: COLD OR FRIGID She is: THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE

She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP She is: COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED

She does not have: GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK) Her breasts are: CENTRALLY LOCATED

She will never: GAIN WEIGHT She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER

She does not: SHAVE HER LEGS She experiences: TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION

She does not have: A HARD BODY She is: ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE

She does not: SUN BATHE She experiences: SOLAR ENHANCEMENT

Her breast will never: SAG They will: LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD

She does not: SHOP TOO MUCH She is: OVERLY RESPONSIVE TO MARKETING PLOYS

She does not: CUT YOU OFF She becomes: HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE

She does not have: BIG HAIR She is: OVERLY AEROSOLED

She does not: SNORE She: LOVE SNUFFLES

She does not: GET DRUNK She becomes: VERBALLY DYSLEXIC

She does not have: BIG HOOTERS Her: CUPS RUNNETH OVER

Dog Breeds that did not make it: submitted 4/2/99

Collie + Lhasa Apso Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Bloodhound + Borzoi Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun

Pointer + Setter Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier Derriere, a dog that's true to the end 

The 60's submittrd 03/25/99

Then: Killer Weed Now: Weed Killer

Then: The Grateful Dead Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint Now: Getting a new hip joint

Then: Moving to California because it's cool Now: Moving to California because it's warm

Then: Being called into the principal's office Now: Storming into the principal's office

Then: Peace Sign Now: Mercedes Logo

Then: OJ, cutting & slashing Now: OJ, cutting & slashing

Then: Getting your head stoned Now: Getting your headstone

Then: "The Making of the President" Now: The making of the President

Then: Long hair Now: Longing for hair

Then: Acid rock Now: Acid reflux

Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party Now: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral

Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying President Now: Fighting to keep the lying President

Then: The perfect high Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund

Then: Elvis in the army Now: Elvis in a UFO

Then: Keg Now: EKG

Then: Swallowing acid Now: Swallowing antacid

Then: pothead Now: potbelly

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Then: Passing the driving test Now: Passing the vision test

Then: Seeds and stems Now: Roughage

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints Now: Popping joints

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

IF COMPUTERS HAD PERSONALITIES...submitted 3/20/99

(User-Friendly)
C:\> DUR
Command not found. Try retyping

(User-Helpful)
C:\> DUR
I don't understand DUR. Do you mean DIR?

(User-Patronizing)
C:\> DUR
Now, that's not quite right is it? Let's try again; this time, use the manual that the nice salesperson gave you when you bought me.

(User-Obsequious)
C:\> DUR
I'm so very, very sorry but I don't understand that. I'm sure it was my fault, but if you would please try again I'll do my best.

(User-Analytical)
C:\> DUR
What makes you say that?

(User-McDonald's)
May I help you please?
C:\> DUR
I'm sorry but that command is not available at this time.Have a nice day.

C:\> DIR Will that be an MS-DOS directory?
C:\> YES To read here, or for printout to take away?
C:\> HERE Thank you. Have a nice day.

(User-Megalomaniac)
C:\> DUR
Don't bother me with trivial requests -- I'm busy.

(User-Hostile)
C:\> DUR
Ha! A mistake! I'm sure you meant to say FORMAT, so that's what I'll do.

(User-Sarcastic)
C:\> DUR
Well, Look who's made a mistake then. Very unusual, I don't think.

(User-Insulting)
C:\> DUR
You Idiot
C:\> DIR You Idiot

(User-Smug)
C:\> DUR
No
C:\> DOR
Nope
C:\> HELP
No
C:\> PLEASE
Not unless you give me a 300Mb hard disk to live on.
C:\> JERK
Abuse will get you nowhere

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods: submitted 3/11/99

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)

On some Swan frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!) (I love it: food to piss you off.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children. (Or pets! What's for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.) (Or underground)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (What is this, a home castration kit?)

On a child's superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

On ice machine in Sands Hotel lobby: Keep frozen or ice will turn to water.

Redneck Medical Terms 03/97/99

Benign...................................What you be after you be eight.

Artery.....................................The study of paintings.

Bacteria................................Back door to cafeteria.

Barium...................................What doctors do when patients die.

Caesarian Section............The Italian part of town.

CATscan..............................Searching for kitty.

Cauterize..............................Made eye contact with her.

Colic.......................................A sheep dog.

Coma.....................................A punctuation mark.

D & C.....................................Where Washington is.

Dilate....................................To live long.

Enema.................................Not a friend.

Fester...................................Quicker than someone else.

Fibula...................................A small lie.

Genital.................................Non-Jewish person.

G.I. Series..........................World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail............................What you hang your coat on.

Impotent.............................Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain........................Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff....................A Doctor's cane.

Morbid................................A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates..............................Cheaper than day rates.

Node..................................I knew it.

Outpatient.........................A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear......................A fatherhood test.

Pelvis.................................Second Cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative...............A letter carrier.

Recovery Room............Place to do upholstery.

Rectum.............................Damn near killed him.

Secretion.........................Hiding something.

Seizure.............................Roman emperor.

Tablet...............................A small table.

Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor..............................A couple extra.

Urine................................Opposite of you're out.

Varicose.........................Near by/close by.

Redneck Rules of Etiquette...submitted 2/28/99

Personal Hygiene:

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.

Dining Out:

When decanting wine, tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining in Your Home:

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

Dating (Outside the Family):

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."

Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette:

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings:

Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette:

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Tips For All Occasions:

Never take a beer to a job interview.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

You know you work in Corporate America in the 90's if: 2/21/99

You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um.

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

You learn about your layoff on CNN.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.

You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.

It's dark when you drive to and from work.

Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

Communication is something your group is having problems with.

You see a good-looking person and know it is a visitor.

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.

Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.

Art involves a white board.

You're already late on the assignment you just got.

When 100% of your time means 20 hours.

You work 200 hours for a $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an opportunity for you."

Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January.

Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."

Change is the norm.

Nepotism is encouraged.

The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube.

You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

You read this entire list and understood it.

Female Comebacks 2/14/99

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

1998 Darwin Awards 2/7/99

The Candidates

1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flakvest Berrena was wearing.

6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

8. In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark, Ark , after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.

DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS

1. In Guthrie, Okla , in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.

4. Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand Morons."

SOME MORE ALSO RANS

1. Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later, "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds." However, cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building making her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick! . In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.

2. TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.

3. La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing." The extraction took more that three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there."

4. TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

5. BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away the penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Cristopher's penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler. "Chris is just plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from it being remo! ved, the damage caused by the dog' s teeth to the penis per se is minimal. It's really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr. Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb because of this." Washington Animal Control has no plans to seize Rudy.

AND THE WINNER IS:

PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant, Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly-and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive- oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. "It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen."

More Headlines 1/31/99

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Stud Tires Out

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Air Head Fired

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

15 Ways to Cope With Stress 1/24/99

1. Fill out every credit card application and magazine subscription you get and have them bill you later.

2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.

3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.

5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.

6. Do your assignments in binary code.

7. Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.

8. Fill-out your tax form using Roman Numerals.

9. Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.

10. Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.

11. Write a short story using alphabet soup.

12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.

13. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.

15. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.

BUREAUCRATS 1/17/99

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U. S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U. S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.

The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana.

He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope ... you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our ... loan?"

They got it.

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton 1/10/99

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.

They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.

Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!" A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.

They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!" Clinton says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

You Might be a Redneck if: 1/3/99

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

You take a six-pack cooler to church.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Blondes 12/26/98

Why do Blondes have "TGIF" written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for 4 hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland left" so they turned around and went home.

What do smart Blondes and UFOs have in common? You always hear about them but you never see them.

Why did the Blonde stare at a can of frozen orange juice? Because it said concentrate.

Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.

How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it.

Why can't Blondes dial 911? They can't find the eleven on the phone!

What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer? There is whiteout all over the monitor.

How do you get a Blonde on the roof? Tell her the drinks are on the house.

Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks? It takes too long to re-train them.

A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said "Oh, look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said "Where,where?"

Why don't Blondes like making KOOL-AID? Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists? They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.-