Useful phrases you can use at work submitted 01/06/99

1. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself (Tuesdays and Saturdays)

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think you're wrong.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

25. Who me? I just wander from room to room

26. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

27. It might look like I'm doing nothing but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

28. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

29. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

LAWYERS' SEASON'S GREETINGS submitted 12/29/99

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

May you have a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2000, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only 'AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual orientation of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Respectfully:

[INSERT NAME OF FAVORITE LAWYER HERE -- if you have one]

The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter and supplying a new definition. Here are some recent winners: submitted 12/22/99

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high.

Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Burglesque: A poorly planned break in (see Watergate).

Karmageddeon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk & no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with

Why men should be proud of themselves submitted 12/15/99

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

Same work...more pay.

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Wedding dress -- $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.

You don't mooch off other's desserts.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with. "So, notice anything different?"

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on * >December 24th, in 45 minutes.

She Santa submitted 12/06/99

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves.

On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

-Men can't pack a bag.

-Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

-Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.

-Men don't answer their mail.

-Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."

-Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

-Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.

-Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men:

• Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
• Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
• Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
• Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.

But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

Puns - submitted 12/02/99

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tell's bowled.

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the Chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

It's Great To Be A Male, Because: ... submitted 11/24/99

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

Same work... more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

One mood, all the time.

Only in America......submitted 9/18/99

1. Only in America.......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America.......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America.......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America.......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America.......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America..... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".

10. Only in America.....do they have drive up ATM machines with Braille lettering

11. Only in America..... can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

12. Only in America..... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9.o we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".

10. Only in America.....do they have drive up ATM machines with Braille lettering

11. Only in America..... can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

Deep thoughts submitted 11/14
This is from an 'actual' newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate 'Deep Thoughts' by Jack Handey, a former Saturday Night Live regular.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry, because who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? - -- Age 8

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. - -- Age 13

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the President's birthday, like they do for the Queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. - -- Age 8

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote - -- Age 10

Home is where the house is. - -- Age 6

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. - -- Age 13

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. - -- Age 15

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. - -- Age 6

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth-that most of us go to hell and burn eternally-but I didn't want to upset him. - -- Age 10

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. - -- Age 15

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. - -- Age 5

I once heard the voice of God. It said 'Vrrrrmmmmm.' Unless it was just a lawn mower. - -- Age 11

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. - -- Age 13

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. - -- Age 14

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. - -- Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. - -- Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. - -- Age 5

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! - -- Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe 'Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?' or 'Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?' - -- Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? - -- Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. - -- Age 15

You know you are an Internet Junkie when - submitted 11/05/99

When asked to your address, your answer begins with http://

Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

You chat with your fingers, not your mouth.

You use Netscape 4.05, and you check every week whether version 4.06 was released.

You know the difference between Java and Javascript.

Most of your friends have an @ in their names.

In order to watch CNN you move to www.cnn.com

On your business card the e-mail appears before the phone number.

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

You can perfectly imitate the sound pattern of your modem connecting to your ISP.

You can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

You are told about a new program, and you are disappointed to find that it is a TV program.

Not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed. >

Ten Best things to say if you get caught napping at your desk submitted 10/29/99

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk... 1. ".....in Jesus' name. Amen."

Sayings According To First Graders submitted 10/28/99

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:

Better to be safe than...............punch a 4th grader

Strike while the.....................bug is close.

It's always darkest before...........daylight savings time

Never underestimate the power of.....termites.

You can lead a horse to water but....how?

Don't bite the hand that.............looks dirty.

No news is...........................impossible.

A miss is as good as a...............Mr.

You can't teach an old dog...........math.

If you lie down with dogs, you.......will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust......................me.

The pen is mightier than.............the pigs.

An idle mind is......................the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there's........pollution.

Happy is the bride who...............gets all the presents.

A penny saved is.....................not much.

Two is company, three's..............The Musketeers.

None are so blind as.................Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not......spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed........get new batteries.

You get out of something what you....see pictured on the box.

When the blind lead the blind........get out of the way.

There is no fool like................Aunt Edie.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and......you have to blow your nose.

1999 Darwin Awards submitted 10/15/99

1999 Darwin Awards The true high point of the e-mail year has arrived. Yes it is the 1999 Darwin Awards. For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware of the Darwin Awards. These awards are given annually (and posthumously) to those individuals who did the most for the human gene pool by removing themselves from it.

DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP:

#1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital.

#2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired.

#3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined panty he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."

#4 - MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)

#5 - In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Without the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.

#6 - RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:

1. 1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms...a gun shop.
2. 2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places.
3. 3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. 4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.

AND THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS..... THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA. Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beer had exploded.

Employer's Lingo submitted 10/5/99

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

The 5 toughest questions that women ask men and the answers; submitted 09/29/99

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.; tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is:
"I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

1. a. Baseball.
2. b. Football.
3. c. How fat you are.
4. d. How much prettier she is than you.
5. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:

1. a. I suppose so.
2. b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
3. c. That depends on what you mean by love.
4. d. Does it matter?
5. e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:

1. a. Compared to what?
2. b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
3. c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
4. d. I've seen fatter.
5. e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:

1. a. Yes, but you have a better personality
2. b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
3. c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
4. d. Define pretty
5. e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: Yes, I would.

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed

Technology for Country Folk submitted 09/2/99

1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.

2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.

3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.

4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.

5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.

6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.

7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.

8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.

9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.

10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.

11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.

12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.

13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.

14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.

15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.

16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.

17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.

18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.

19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.

20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.

21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.

22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine

23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"

24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.

25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

STAGES OF LIFE submitted 09/14/99

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 vodka
35 scotch
48 double scotch
66 cod liver oil

AGE SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiance is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My wife is dead.

AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 channel surfing
66 napping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
17 a winning goal after the whistle
25 sex in an airplane
35 menage a trois
48 taking over the company
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

AGE IDEAL DATE
17 Triple horror special feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Las Vegas.

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack Daniels with a Napkin chaser

AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Stefan color my hair
66 Need to have Stefan color my wig

AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "McDonalds"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66

AGE IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast

Actual quotes from 11-year-olds' science exams: submitted 9/9/99

Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.

The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.

Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a,e,i,o and u.

Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration.

For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead

To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.

For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.

A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

Liter: A nest of young puppies.

Magnet: something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

10 Words That Should Be in the Dictionary submitted 9/2/99

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow `remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the 'open here' spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM submitted 8/25/99

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas

Four-wheel-drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida

The Law of... submitted 8/29/99

"The Law of Volunteering" If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell" When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense" Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Reality" Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"The Law of Motivation" Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

"Boob's Law" You always find something in the last place you look.

"Weiler's Law" Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal" Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor" People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law" In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

"Iron Law of Distribution" Them that has, gets.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology" There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkenness" You can't fall off the floor.

"Heller's Law" The first myth of management is that it exists.

"Osborne's Law" Variables won't; constants aren't.

"Main's Law" For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

"Weinberg's Second Law" If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

Men are like submitted 8/12/99

Men are like .... shag carpets. Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.

Men are like ... newborn babies They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.

Men are like ... power tools They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.

Men are like ... remote controls Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.

Men are like ... vacuum cleaners They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them > around.

Men are like ... road kill They usually just lie around until they start to smell.

Men are like ... soap operas They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.

Men are like ... pillows Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.

Men are like ... old car tires Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a > spare.

Men are like ... plastic wrap Cheap. Clingy. and very easy to see through.

Men are like ... department stores Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like ... computers. Hard to figure out and never enough memory.

Men are like ... coolers. 'Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like ... chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ... coffee The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night.

Men are like ... horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Wise Advice From Kids submitted 8/4/99

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. - Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13

6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13

7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14

10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers. - Mitchell, 12

11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. - Andrew, 9

12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9

13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9

14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. - Kellie, 11

15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, 15

16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9

17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10

18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13

19. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen,

Tech Support submitted 7/27/989

A helicopter pilot flying a passenger to Seattle hits a pea-soup-thick fogbank. He's completely disoriented, and flies blindly around until he spies the top few floors of an office building. He pulls up real close to it, and gets the attention of a woman sitting at her desk.

Using a marker and the back of a map, he quickly makes up a sign to show the woman. It reads, "Where am I?"

The woman reads it, smiles, and quickly makes up her own sign, reading: "You're in a helicopter."

The pilot waves his thanks, pulls off sharply to the left, double-checks his compass, takes one or two crisp turns through the dense fog, and then performs a perfect landing at the Seattle Airport.

"That was amazing!" says the passenger. "How did you know from her answer where you were?"

"Easy," says the pilot. "Her answer, while correct, was absolutely useless. So, I knew I was at Microsoft Tech Support."

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses. From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They're things people actually said in court, word for word. Submitted 7/21/99

**************************
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?
A: Every year.

**************************
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

**************************
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

**************************
Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

**************************
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

**************************
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

**************************
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

**************************
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

**************************
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.

Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

**************************

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

**************************
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

**************************
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

**************************
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

**************************
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

**************************
Q: Did he kill you?

*************************
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

**************************
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

**************************
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

**************************
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?
A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

**************************
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

**************************
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

**************************
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

**************************
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

**************************
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a Deposition Notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

**************************
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

**************************
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

**************************
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

**************************
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

**************************
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Born in 1980 submitted July 15, 1999

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together this list to try and give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshman:

1. The people starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.

2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era, and did not know he had ever been shot.

3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

5. There has only been one Pope. They can only remember one other president.

6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart, and do not remember the Cold War.

7. They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them -- not a movie.

8. They are too young to remember the Space Shuttle Challenger blowing up.

9. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

10. They never had a Polio shot, and likely, do not know what it is.

11. Bottle caps have not always been screw off, but have always been plastic. They have no idea what a pull top can looks like.

12. Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.

13. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.

14. They have never owned a record player.

15. They have likely never played Pac Man, and have never heard of "Pong."

16. Star Wars looks very fake to them, and the special effects are pathetic.

17. There have always been red M&M's, and blue ones are not new. What do you mean there used to be beige ones?

18. They may never have heard of an 8-track, and chances are they've never heard or seen one.

19. The compact disc was introduced when they were one year old.

20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.

21. They have always had an answering machine.

22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black & white TV.

23. They have always had cable.

24. There have always been VCR's, but they have no idea what Beta is.

25. They cannot fathom what it was like not having a remote control.

26. They were born the year Walkmen were introduced by Sony.

27. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.

28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.

29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

30. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

31. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player.

32. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

33. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as W.W.I and W.W.II or even the Civil War.

34. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

35. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

36. They don't know who Mork was, or where he was from.

37. They never heard the terms "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel" or "de plane, de plane!"

38. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.

39. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.

40. Michael Jackson has always been white.

41. Kansas, Boston, Chicago, America, and Alabama are all places --not music groups.

42. McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.

43. There has always been MTV, and it has always included non-musical

Dilbert's newest additions to add to your vocabulary in the late 90's office environment submitted 7/9/99

1. Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

2. Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

3. Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything, and then leaves.

4. Salmon day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. Chainsaw consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.

6. CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

7. Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file.

8. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

9. Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

10. Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

11. 404- Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. Used as in -"Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man."

12. Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in - "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."

13. Ohno-second - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

14. Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

15. Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dyan, my ... um ... friend."

16. Body Nazis - Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

17. Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles.

18. Idea Hamsters - People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

19. Mouse Potato - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

20. Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

21. SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

22. Squirt the Bird - To transmit a signal to a satellite.

23. Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

24. Stress Puppy - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

25. Swiped Out - An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

26. Tourists - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. Example - "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

27. Treeware - Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

28. Xerox Subsidy - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

29. Going Postal - Euphemism for being totally stressed out, or losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

30. Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

31. Chips and Salsa - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. i.e. - "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

32. Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

33. Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

34. Deinstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice president at a downsizing computer firm - "You have reached the number of a deinstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." (See also, "Decruitment.")

35. Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

36. Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."

PC Gender submitted 6/30/99

A technology researcher who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her." He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts.

The first was comprised of women, and the second, of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Internet Sayings submitted 6/25/99

1. Home is where you hang your @.

2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives.

14. Don't byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. Virtual reality is its own reward.

19. Modulation in all things.

20. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

21. There's no place like http://www.home.com

22. Know what to expect before you connect.

23. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

24. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day: teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

TOP TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE submitted 6/15/99

10.) God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.

9.) God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's on television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)

8.) God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

7.) God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.

6.) God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

5.) God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.

4.) As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3.) The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2.) As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

And the number one reason God created Eve

1.) When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."

HOW YOU KNOW YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 1990'S submitted 6/9/99

1. You tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

5. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, > and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"

6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, > but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted > one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

9. Your daughter just bought a C.D. of all the records your college > roommate used to play.

10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see > if it contains echinacea.

11. You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.

12. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail Inbox, asking you to send > her JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

13. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cellphone to see > if anyone is home