Mathematics submitted 12/29/00

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage!

The 2000 Darwin nominees are: submitted 12/20/00

NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]:An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record] In Newton, N.C. awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

NOMINEE No. 4: [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

NOMINEE No. 5: [Bloomsburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

NOMINEE No. 6: [The News of the Weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made news of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

NOMINEE NO. 7: ["The Indianapolis Star"]. A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion in Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 pm. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

NOMINEE No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] A man cleaning a bird Feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

NOMINEE No.9: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife, asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. (Way to go, Lavinia!)

Quotes from Famous People submitted 12/15/00

On going to war over religion: "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." -- Yasir Arrafat (PLO leader)

"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." -- Michael Flatley (lead Riverdancer)

(On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, We can open all our own jars." -- Bruce Willis "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'" -- George Burns

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" -- Sandra Bullock

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'" -- Jason Alexander (George Castanza on Seinfeld)

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." -- Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996)

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." -- Sharon Stone

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." -- Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading." -- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." -- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." -- Dan Rather (News anchorman)

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" -- Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." -- Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -- Tiger Woods

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." -- Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." -- Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)

Here are some conversations, which actually happened between help desk people and their customers. submitted 12/05/00

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it."

Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No..."

Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support: ?@#$?

Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."

Customer: "I'm going to be using Windows NT. Should I get the Server or Workstation version?"
Tech Support: "Well, are you using it as a workstation or as a server?" >
Customer: "A server. So, which one do I get?"
Tech Support: "The server version perhaps?"
Customer: "Which one is that?"
Tech Support: "Windows NT Server."
Customer: "Ok, thanks."

Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
Tech Support: "Well then we can't--"
Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to--"
Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."

Customer: "I can't log in to my account."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration."
Customer: "Ok... but I know that my User ID is case sensitive."
Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the 'User ID' field?"
Customer: "'Case Sensitive'."

Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."

Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."

Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

Tech Support: "What version of the Mac OS are you using?"
Customer: "Word 6.0."

Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."

Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"

Customer: "I don't need any of that SQL stuff -- I just want a database!"

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"

Customer: "I have a long distance modem."

Customer: "I don't have a space bar."

Customer: "Do I have to hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"

Because I'm a Man! submitted 12/01/00

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how could he know where we're going?

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I like the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without, it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine all over. Can we just go now?!!

Cards You Will Never See At Hallmark submitted 11/22/00

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?"

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"

"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."

"I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened, especially since you survived."

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!

"Congratulations on getting married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"

"I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"Just remember... Jesus Loves You - Everyone else thinks you're a jerk!"

"The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!"

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time, let's say we call it quits."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"If you ever need a friend, buy a dog."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"If you didn't have any money, I'd still love you. And miss you very much."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday -- so we're having you put to sleep."

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!"

Dan Rather's Greatest Hits, Election 2000 submitted 11/15/00

Things Dan Rather actually said LIVE ON THE AIR during election coverage:

On George W. Bush: "He swept through the South like a tornado through a trailer park."

"Don't bet the trailer money yet..."

"It's too early to say he has the whip hand..."

In a previous election: "They counted the votes until the cows had literally gone to sleep."

"It's a ding-dong battle back and forth."

Trying to say, "Chances are slim or none:" " If he doesn't carry Florida, Slim will have left town."

"If a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a hand gun."

"They both have champagne on ice, but after the night is over, they might need a pick axe to open them."

"This race is tight, like a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach."

Referring to electoral votes: "The big burrito out there in California..."

"Only votes talk - everything else walks."

"This will show you how tight it is: it's spandex tight."

"We're going to go to some of those longnecks from a long time ago...."

"He's going to find that people will hang on him like a coat rack..."

"This election swings like one of those pendulum things."

"What we know is that there will be no decision until some of these races are decided."

"Al Gore has his back to the wall, shirttails on fire with this race in Florida."

Refers to Bob Schaefer as "Deputy Dog."

"You talk about a ding-dong, knock-down, get-up race..."

"When it comes to a race like this, I'm a long-distance runner and an all-day hunter!"

"It's the American way: if you don't vote, you don't get to whine."

"Smelling salts for all Democrats, please."

"...in Austin, between the 10-gallon hats and the Willie Nelson head bands..."

"...none of this television mumbo jumbo: let's get in there and count the votes!"

To a reporter: "Maybe you can bring some perspective on this, we're plum out of it."

"When the going gets weird, anchor men punt."

"Tipper is probably telling her husband to hook a u., and go back to the house to get a recount."

"It doesn't matter if you're a Democrat, Republican or a mug wamp: elected officials play it straight."

"Florida is the whole deal, the real deal, a big deal!"

"Frankly, we don't know whether to wind the watch or to bark at the moon."

"The contest was tighter than rusted lugnuts on a '55 Ford."

IDOTS submitted 11/10/0

IDIOTS IN SERVICE: This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).

IDIOTS AT WORK: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there anymore. IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually- challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" IDIOT SIGHTING #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side.

Steven Wright submitted 10/28/00

1. A few words from the visionary Steven Wright:

2. All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

3. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

4. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

5. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

6. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

7. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

9. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

10. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

11. I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

12. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

13. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case.....coincidence?

14. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

15. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

16. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

17. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

18. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

20. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

21. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

22. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

23. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

24. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

25. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

26. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -- to steal from many is research.

27. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

28. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

29. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

30. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

31. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

32. A fool and his money are soon partying.

33. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

34. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

35. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

36. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

37. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

38. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

39. Half the people you know are below average.

40. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

41. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

You now you are Local Hawiian if..... submitted 10/28/00

1.You have a separate circuit breaker for your rice cooker.

2.Only NOW you know that cilantro is the same as Chinese parsley.

3.You measure the water for the rice by the knuckle of your index finger.

4.You know which market shave poi on which days. > 5.You know that Char Hung Sut is closed on Tuesday.

6.You can handle shoyu with green mango, li hing gummy bears, raw egg on hot rice and pearl tea (Carnation milk in hot water with sugar) with creme crackers.)

7.Your refrigerator has a half-empty jar of mango chutney from the 1993 Punahu Carnival.

8.The condiments at the table are Shoyu, ketchup, chili peppah watah and kimchee. Also, takuwan, Hawaiian salt, slice onion and pickled onion.

9.You go to Maui and your luggage home includes potato chips, manju, cream puffs and guri-guri for omiyage (gifts).

10.You think the four food groups are starch, Spam fried food, fruit punch and shave ice. 11.A balanced meal has three starches, rice, macaroni and bread.

12.You know 101 ways to fix your rubber slippers...50 using tape, 50 using glue and one using a stick to poke the strap back in. 13.You sometimes use your open car door for a dressing room.

14.You wear two different color slippahs together and you no mind.

15.Nice clothes means a T-shirt without pukas. 16.You are barefoot in most of your elementary school pictures.

17.You have a slipper tan . . . an upside down "v" on top of both your feet.

18.Your only suit is a bathing suit. 19.You drive barefoot.

20.You have at least five Hawaiian bracelets.

21.You never, ever, under any circumstances, wear socks with slippers, or an aloha shirt that matches your wife's muumuu.

22.You still call the Blaisdell Center, the HIC and its Sandy's, not Sandy Beach

23.You say "I going fo lawnmower da grass" when you mean "I'm going to mow the lawn."

24.You can understand every word Bu La'ia says and you know what his name means, too.

25.You have a sister, cousin, aunty or mom named "Honey Girl" or,

26.Someone in the family named "Boy," "Tita," "Bruddah," "Sonny," "Bachan," "Taitai," "Popo" and/or "Vovo."

27.You still chant "Hanakokolele" when a friend or co-worker goofs up.

28.You say, "Shtraight," "Shtreet," and "Shtress." 29.You say "Da Kine," and the other person says "Da kine" and you both know what is "Da kine."

30.The "Shaka" and the "Eye Flash" are worth 1,000 words.

31.You're shopping at Epcot Center at Disneyworld and you may say something to your sister and a complete stranger says, "you're from Hawaii, aren't you?"

32.You feel guilt leaving a get-together without helping clean up.

33.The idea of taking something from a heiau is unthinkable.

34.You call everyone older than you "Auntie" or "Uncle" and you kiss everyone in greeting and farewell.

35.You let others cars ahead of you on the freeway and you give shaka to anyone who lets you in. 36.Your philosophy is "Bumbai."

37.You'd rather drag out the compressor and fill that leaking tire every single morning than have it fixed at the local gas station.

38.The only time you honk your horn is once a year during the safety check.

39.If a child needs a home, give him one. He becomes "Hanai."

40.You can live and let live with a smile in your heart.

41.The only foreign country you've visited is Las Vegas.

Sunday School...submitted 10/17/00

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor Thy father and They mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Dr. Seus on Computer Crashes submitted 10/012/00

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, And the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash; And your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang 'Cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk And the macrocode instructions cause unnecessary risk Then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires submitted 10/08/00

15 Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.

14 Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.

13 Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.

12 Three Words: Daylight Savings Time

11 Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"

10 After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.

9 After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.

8 No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.

7 With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.

6 No warm blood for miles around DC.

5 Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.

4 No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.

3 Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."

2 Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey. and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires...

1 Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.

Zen Quotes Submittted by: Robert J. Elkins

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just #$%^ off and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15. Don't squat with your spurs on.

17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

20. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Life's reflections submitted 09/20/00

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my husband is handsome, but I only have photographs of him on the wall.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".

15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore >

Politically Correct submitted 09/14/00

How to speak about women and be POLITICALLY CORRECT:

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

How to speak about men and be POLITICALLY CORRECT:

He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY

He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS

He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

MARTHA STEWART'S ETIQUETTE TIPS FOR REDNECKS submitted 09/07/00

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

George Carlin's Musings submitted 08/31/00

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

29. How is it possible to have a civil war?

30. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

31. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

32. If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

33. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

34. Who's cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

35. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

36. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

37. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

38. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

39. If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

40. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Points To Ponder submitted 8/25/00

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

I don't have a license to kill but I do have a learners permit.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.

All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat though.

Here I am!!! What are your other two wishes?

Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.

Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

Remember: First you pillage then you burn.

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake. .

Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh

A picture may be worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times more memory!

If a thing is worth doing wouldn't it have been done already?

If we weren't meant to eat animals why are they made of meat?

Ham and Eggs. Just a day's work for a chicken but a lifetime commitment for a pig.

Send this to the bank! submitted 08/18/00

Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, should they take my time to adjudicate, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an Establishment Fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, Third Quarter. To this end, please be advised of the following changes. First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application for Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive set of menus:

1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping; extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received;
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message

Good Questions submitted 08/11/00

Is it OK to use the AM radio in the afternoon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstates in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

More Wisdom From Children submitted 07/29/00

Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. Matthew,Age12

Never talk back to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. Stephanie, Age 8

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes. Carol, Age 9

Don't flush the toilet when you're dad's in the shower. Lamar, Age 10

Don't ever be too full for dessert. Kelly, Age 10

Never bug a pregnant mom. Nicholas, Age 11

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, Age 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, Age12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. Alyesha, Age 13

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do. Hank, Age 12

Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. Chelsey, Age 7

Stay away from prunes. Randy, Age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. Phillip, Age 13

Dating My Daughter submitted 07/25/00
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect ma good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.

"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex mithout utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too-- there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate --ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.

TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH. submitted 07/21/00

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair and by then you're stuck with her.

Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not tests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as McGuire's home runs, 3rd and short yardage play selections or monster trucks.

Sunday=sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport and, no, we're never going to think of it that way.

When we have to go somewhere absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it.

No we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.

Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do, Sympathy is what girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

Check your oil.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No it doesn't matter which quiz.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway. It's genetic.

You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.

Whenever possible please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

If it itches it will be scratched.

A perfect martini is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

What the hell is a doily?

Points to Ponder submitted 7/14/00

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

I don't have a license to kill but I do have a learners permit.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.

All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat though.

Here I am!!! What are your other two wishes?

Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.

Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

Remember: First you pillage then you burn.

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake. .

Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh

A picture may be worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times more memory!

If a thing is worth doing wouldn't it have been done already?

If we weren't meant to eat animals why are they made of meat?

Ham and Eggs. Just a day's work for a chicken but a lifetime commitment for a pig.

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! submitted 07/06/00

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM

LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

The '99 Darwin Awards submitted 6/29/00

One of the long awaited moments of each New Year is the awarding of the Darwin Award. This prestigious award recognizes those people, who Through stupid and inane actions kill themselves, thus improving society by removing their genes from the gene pool. So here are the runners-up for this year's award.

(15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below. The military specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgment and paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.

(11 August 1999) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure everything except the sun.

(25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.

(16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.

(1991, Nicosia, Cypress) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.

(August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning total of 236, (winners never quit!) which had also netted him the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater than Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to the usual temple of overindulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped. The cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not known whether Allan required any further embalming.

(28 January 1999, London) A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning British farmer's wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death. Betty Stobbs, 67, was charged by dozens of sheep as she brought them a bale of hay on the back of a power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed the vehicle, knocking Betty and her bike over the edge of a vacant 100' quarry near Durham, in northeastern England. "I saw the sheep surround the bike. The next thing she was tumbling down the incline," neighbor Alan Renfry told reporters.

First Runner Up Award goes to ... (22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife have littered Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the southeastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink and then stamping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror. Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in the bar. "Their wives could not even find their flesh because the blast destroyed everything," the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.

And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is.....

(5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions. Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time." Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The Confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise.

Redneck Professional Engineering Exam: submitted 06/21/00

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?

A) '66 Ford Fairlane

B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle

C) '64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of moonshine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?

For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A Coal Mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? submitted 06/14/00

POLICE DEPARTMENT : Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

RICHARD M. NIXON : The chicken did not cross the road. : I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. : I don't know any chickens. : I've never known any chickens.

DR. SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? : Did he cross it with a toad? : Yes! the chicken crossed the road, : but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY : To die, in the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING,JR. : I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads, without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA : In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road;

KARL MARX : It was an historical inevitablity:

SADDAM HUSSEIN : This was an unprovoked act of rebellion.....we are quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REGAN : What chicken? I don't remember any chicken

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK : To go boldly where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER : You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

The Bible : and god came down from heavens and he said onto the chicken, "Thou shall cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FREUD : The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity

BILL GATES : I have just released chicken coop 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your importain documents, and balance your check book; and explorer is an inextricable part of the chicken coop 98 operating system.

EINSTEIN : Did the chicken really cross the road---------or, did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON : I did NOT cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? : Could you define chicken please?

COLONEL SANDERS : I missed one????

Getting Old submitted 06/09/00

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, getting a little action means I don't need to take a laxative.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news -- the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

20 Thinnest Books submitted 06/01/00

19. WHAT'S ON MY MIND - by George W. Bush

18. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS-by O. J. Simpson

17. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION

16. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE-by Ellen DeGeneres

15. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA

14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY-by Dennis Rodman

13. THE WILD YEARS-by Al Gore

11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

10. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS

9. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB

8. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

7. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

6. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

5. FRENCH HOSPITALITY

4. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES

3. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES by Bill Clinton

Subject: Dogs v. Cats submitted 5/22/00

What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. They whine when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8. They're moody.

9. They leave hair everywhere.

10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats.

What is a Dog?

1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4. They growl when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to play.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They are great at begging.

8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

9. They leave their toys everywhere.

10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're little men in fur coats.

You know you worked during the 90s if...submitted 5/17/00

Your resume is in a diskette in your pocket.

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

You learn about your layoff on the news.

Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the developing countries' gross national products combined.

It's dark when you drive to and from work.

Communication is something your section is having problems with.

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

Being sick is defined as "can't walk" or "in the hospital."

You're already late on the work task you just got.

You work 200 hours for a $100 bonus check.

"Vacation" is something you roll over to next year, or a check you get every January.

Your relatives and family describe your job as "working with computers".

Your business cards are no longer correct just a month after you receive them.

You have every "Cup-A-Soup" brand known to man in your desk drawer.

You have no hobbies that do not involve an electronic device.

During any outside-of-work event that vaguely resembles a social activity, your co-workers outnumber your family members.

You must fill in your own job performance evaluations and target goals because no one else really knows what you do anyway. Besides, the Human Resources Department was outsourced last month.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you've lost your best e-mail jokes.

You read this entire list and understood it.

Miscellaneous Wisdom submitted 05/14/00

1. Life is just a phase you're going through...you'll get over it.

2. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.

3. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

4. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

5. I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

6. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

7. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

8. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

9. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

10. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

11. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

13. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

14. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

15. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

16. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

17. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

18. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

19. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

20. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

21 I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

22. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Murphy's Top 10 Laws of Computing submitted 05/05/00

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.

7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

The Answers submitted 04/28/00

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Damn!

What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.

What do you call santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.

Why don't blind people like to sky dive? Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

What kind of coffee was served on the titanic? Sanka.

What is the difference between a harley and a hoover? The location of the dirt bag.

Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down? Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes whack, damn. A bad skydiver goes damn, whack.

How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it.

What do you call skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop, clop? An amish drive-by shooting.

How are a texas tornado and a tennessee divorce the same? Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

DOG PROPERTY LAWS submitted 04/20/00

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If it's broken, it's yours.

TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN: submitted 04/13/00

10. A dog's parents will never visit you.

9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.

8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.

7. A dog never expects you to telephone.

6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.

5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.

4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.

3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.

2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.

1. A dog does not shop.

Cop Humor submitted 04/04/00

The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS submitted 03/24/00

10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

9. Your firstborn is named dotcom.

8. You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

7. You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop in your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

5. You find yourself typing "com" after every period.com

4. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

3. You move into a new home and decide to netscape before you landscape.

2. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

1. Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.

Murphy's Top 10 Laws of Computing submitted 03/14/00

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.

7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

Kids views on: Marriage submitted 3/11/00

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. - Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. - Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10

A Translation of Atlanta for Visitors....

1. Atlanta is comprised entirely of one way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina.

2. All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree..."

3. Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end.

4. Atlanta is home of Coca Cola. That's all we drink here, so don't ask for any other soft drink.

5. Atlantans only know their way home and their way to work.

6. Gate One at the Airport is 32 miles away from the Main Concourse.

7. It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls it a "scenic drive".

8. The 8 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30 a.m. The 5:00 p.m. rush hour is from 3:30 to 6:30 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

9. Reversible Lanes are not understood by anybody.

10. "Sir" and "Ma'am" are used by the person speaking to you if there's a remote possibility that you're at least 30 minutes older than they are.

11. "Sugar" is a more common form of address than "Miss". So is "Honey".

12. Ponce de Leon Avenue can only be pronounced by a native, so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.

13. The falling of one rain drop causes all traffic to immediately cease; so will daylight savings time and a girl applying eye shadow across the street, or a flat tire three lanes over.

14. If you're standing on a corner and a MARTA Bus stops, you're expected to get on and go somewhere.

15. Atlanta is pronounced "Lan-A".

16. Construction on Peachtree Street is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment.

17. Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour.

18. Atlanta's traffic is the friendliest around. The commuters spend hours mingling with each other twice a day. In fact, Atlanta's traffic is rated number 1 in the country. You will often see people parked beside the road and engaged in lively discussions.

19. Atlantans are very proud of our race track, known as Road Atlanta. It winds throughout the city on the Interstates, hence its name.

20. Georgia 400 is the southern equivalent of the AutoBahn. You will rarely see a semi-truck on GA400, because the truck drivers are intimidated by the oversized-SUV-wielding housewives racing home after a grueling day at the salon or the tennis match to meet their children at the school bus.

Blonde One Liners submitted 02/23/00

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.

How did the blonde die drinking milk? The cow stepped on her.

Why do blondes have more fun? They are easier to amuse.

What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? Frosted flakes.

What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? The back of her head.

What do you call 4 blondes in a Volkswagen? Far-from-thinkin.'

Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? They keep breaking them with the hammer.

Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? She missed.

What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear? Data transfer.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "I wonder if its mine?"

Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.

What do you call an eternity? Four blondes at a four way stop.

How do you confuse a blonde? Give her a package of M&M's and tell her to put them in alphabetical order.

How did the blonde burn her nose? Bobbing for French fries.

Why do blondes smile when they see lightning? They think their picture is being taken.

Why did the blonde return her new scarf? It was too tight.

Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.

Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead? She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.

Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs? She needed them for the darkroom she was building.

Why are the Japanese so smart? No blondes.

What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde? You get to park in the Handicapped Zone.

GEORGE CARLIN ON LIFE: submitted 02/18/00

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink smoke, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...then you finish off as an orgasm."

Witticisms submitted 02/10/00

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on > it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Stay Sane By....submitted 02/04/00 by Gerald Geller

At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Insist that your e-mail address be: xena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com Elvis_the_King@companyname.com

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the break room. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that."

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.

Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

Dont use any punctuation

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Ask people what sex they are.

Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.

Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

Smart Women - submitted 01/26/00

1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton-

2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong-

3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner-

4. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. - Wendy Liebman-

5. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -Erma Bombeck-

6. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. - Sue Grafton-

7. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr-

8. I think-therefore I'm single. -Lizz Winstead

9. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler

10. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson-

11. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. -Gilda Radner-

12. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man -- if you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher-

13. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinhem-

14. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. -Marie Corelli-

15. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. -Baroness Edith Summerskill

16. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? -Linda Ellerbee

17. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor-

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA when.... submitted 01/23/00

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, & is named Breeze.

5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?

6. You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.

8. You also know which Brentwood restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

9. A really great parking space can move you to tears.

10. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

11. Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

12. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.

3. A woman gets on the bus with live poultry. You don't even notice.

14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.

15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

16. The gym is packed at 3 pm ....on a work day.

17. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into BDSM, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

18. It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 99".

19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.

20. Your paperboy has a two-picture deal.

21. The three hour traffic jam you just sat through wasn't caused by a horrific nine-car Freeway pileup, but by everyone slowing to rubberneck at a lost shoe laying on the shoulder.

22. The weatherman talks about the weather in other parts of the country, as if we really care.

23. You pass a elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

24. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour or two early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

25. You AND your dog have therapists.

I've learned submitted 01/15/00

I've learned...that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just creeps.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more messed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe something good will happen. If not... too bad!

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