Mathematics submitted 12/29/00

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage!

The 2000 Darwin nominees are: submitted 12/20/00

NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]:An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record] In Newton, N.C. awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

NOMINEE No. 4: [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

NOMINEE No. 5: [Bloomsburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

NOMINEE No. 6: [The News of the Weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made news of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

NOMINEE NO. 7: ["The Indianapolis Star"]. A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion in Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 pm. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

NOMINEE No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] A man cleaning a bird Feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

NOMINEE No.9: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife, asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. (Way to go, Lavinia!)

Quotes from Famous People submitted 12/15/00

On going to war over religion: "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." -- Yasir Arrafat (PLO leader)

"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." -- Michael Flatley (lead Riverdancer)

(On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, We can open all our own jars." -- Bruce Willis "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'" -- George Burns

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" -- Sandra Bullock

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'" -- Jason Alexander (George Castanza on Seinfeld)

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." -- Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996)

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." -- Sharon Stone

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." -- Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading." -- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." -- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." -- Dan Rather (News anchorman)

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" -- Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." -- Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -- Tiger Woods

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." -- Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." -- Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)

Here are some conversations, which actually happened between help desk people and their customers. submitted 12/05/00

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it."

Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No..."

Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support: ?@#$?

Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."

Customer: "I'm going to be using Windows NT. Should I get the Server or Workstation version?"
Tech Support: "Well, are you using it as a workstation or as a server?" >
Customer: "A server. So, which one do I get?"
Tech Support: "The server version perhaps?"
Customer: "Which one is that?"
Tech Support: "Windows NT Server."
Customer: "Ok, thanks."

Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
Tech Support: "Well then we can't--"
Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to--"
Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."

Customer: "I can't log in to my account."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration."
Customer: "Ok... but I know that my User ID is case sensitive."
Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the 'User ID' field?"
Customer: "'Case Sensitive'."

Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."

Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."

Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

Tech Support: "What version of the Mac OS are you using?"
Customer: "Word 6.0."

Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."

Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"

Customer: "I don't need any of that SQL stuff -- I just want a database!"

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"

Customer: "I have a long distance modem."

Customer: "I don't have a space bar."

Customer: "Do I have to hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"

Because I'm a Man! submitted 12/01/00

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how could he know where we're going?

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I like the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without, it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine all over. Can we just go now?!!

Cards You Will Never See At Hallmark submitted 11/22/00

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?"

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"

"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."

"I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened, especially since you survived."

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!

"Congratulations on getting married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"

"I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"Just remember... Jesus Loves You - Everyone else thinks you're a jerk!"

"The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!"

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time, let's say we call it quits."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"If you ever need a friend, buy a dog."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"If you didn't have any money, I'd still love you. And miss you very much."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday -- so we're having you put to sleep."

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!"

Dan Rather's Greatest Hits, Election 2000 submitted 11/15/00

Things Dan Rather actually said LIVE ON THE AIR during election coverage:

On George W. Bush: "He swept through the South like a tornado through a trailer park."

"Don't bet the trailer money yet..."

"It's too early to say he has the whip hand..."

In a previous election: "They counted the votes until the cows had literally gone to sleep."

"It's a ding-dong battle back and forth."

Trying to say, "Chances are slim or none:" " If he doesn't carry Florida, Slim will have left town."

"If a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a hand gun."

"They both have champagne on ice, but after the night is over, they might need a pick axe to open them."

"This race is tight, like a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach."

Referring to electoral votes: "The big burrito out there in California..."

"Only votes talk - everything else walks."

"This will show you how tight it is: it's spandex tight."

"We're going to go to some of those longnecks from a long time ago...."

"He's going to find that people will hang on him like a coat rack..."

"This election swings like one of those pendulum things."

"What we know is that there will be no decision until some of these races are decided."

"Al Gore has his back to the wall, shirttails on fire with this race in Florida."

Refers to Bob Schaefer as "Deputy Dog."

"You talk about a ding-dong, knock-down, get-up race..."

"When it comes to a race like this, I'm a long-distance runner and an all-day hunter!"

"It's the American way: if you don't vote, you don't get to whine."

"Smelling salts for all Democrats, please."

"...in Austin, between the 10-gallon hats and the Willie Nelson head bands..."

"...none of this television mumbo jumbo: let's get in there and count the votes!"

To a reporter: "Maybe you can bring some perspective on this, we're plum out of it."

"When the going gets weird, anchor men punt."

"Tipper is probably telling her husband to hook a u., and go back to the house to get a recount."

"It doesn't matter if you're a Democrat, Republican or a mug wamp: elected officials play it straight."

"Florida is the whole deal, the real deal, a big deal!"

"Frankly, we don't know whether to wind the watch or to bark at the moon."

"The contest was tighter than rusted lugnuts on a '55 Ford."

IDOTS submitted 11/10/0

IDIOTS IN SERVICE: This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).

IDIOTS AT WORK: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there anymore. IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually- challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" IDIOT SIGHTING #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side.

Steven Wright submitted 10/28/00

1. A few words from the visionary Steven Wright:

2. All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

3. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

4. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

5. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

6. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

7. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

9. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

10. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

11. I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

12. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

13. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case.....coincidence?

14. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

15. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

16. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

17. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

18. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

20. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

21. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

22. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

23. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

24. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

25. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

26. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -- to steal from many is research.

27. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

28. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

29. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

30. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

31. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

32. A fool and his money are soon partying.

33. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

34. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

35. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

36. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

37. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

38. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

39. Half the people you know are below average.

40. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

41. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

You now you are Local Hawiian if..... submitted 10/28/00

1.You have a separate circuit breaker for your rice cooker.

2.Only NOW you know that cilantro is the same as Chinese parsley.

3.You measure the water for the rice by the knuckle of your index finger.

4.You know which market shave poi on which days. > 5.You know that Char Hung Sut is closed on Tuesday.

6.You can handle shoyu with green mango, li hing gummy bears, raw egg on hot rice and pearl tea (Carnation milk in hot water with sugar) with creme crackers.)

7.Your refrigerator has a half-empty jar of mango chutney from the 1993 Punahu Carnival.

8.The condiments at the table are Shoyu, ketchup, chili peppah watah and kimchee. Also, takuwan, Hawaiian salt, slice onion and pickled onion.

9.You go to Maui and your luggage home includes potato chips, manju, cream puffs and guri-guri for omiyage (gifts).

10.You think the four food groups are starch, Spam fried food, fruit punch and shave ice. 11.A balanced meal has three starches, rice, macaroni and bread.

12.You know 101 ways to fix your rubber slippers...50 using tape, 50 using glue and one using a stick to poke the strap back in. 13.You sometimes use your open car door for a dressing room.

14.You wear two different color slippahs together and you no mind.

15.Nice clothes means a T-shirt without pukas. 16.You are barefoot in most of your elementary school pictures.

17.You have a slipper tan . . . an upside down "v" on top of both your feet.

18.Your only suit is a bathing suit. 19.You drive barefoot.

20.You have at least five Hawaiian bracelets.

21.You never, ever, under any circumstances, wear socks with slippers, or an aloha shirt that matches your wife's muumuu.

22.You still call the Blaisdell Center, the HIC and its Sandy's, not Sandy Beach

23.You say "I going fo lawnmower da grass" when you mean "I'm going to mow the lawn."

24.You can understand every word Bu La'ia says and you know what his name means, too.

25.You have a sister, cousin, aunty or mom named "Honey Girl" or,

26.Someone in the family named "Boy," "Tita," "Bruddah," "Sonny," "Bachan," "Taitai," "Popo" and/or "Vovo."

27.You still chant "Hanakokolele" when a friend or co-worker goofs up.

28.You say, "Shtraight," "Shtreet," and "Shtress." 29.You say "Da Kine," and the other person says "Da kine" and you both know what is "Da kine."

30.The "Shaka" and the "Eye Flash" are worth 1,000 words.

31.You're shopping at Epcot Center at Disneyworld and you may say something to your sister and a complete stranger says, "you're from Hawaii, aren't you?"

32.You feel guilt leaving a get-together without helping clean up.

33.The idea of taking something from a heiau is unthinkable.

34.You call everyone older than you "Auntie" or "Uncle" and you kiss everyone in greeting and farewell.

35.You let others cars ahead of you on the freeway and you give shaka to anyone who lets you in. 36.Your philosophy is "Bumbai."

37.You'd rather drag out the compressor and fill that leaking tire every single morning than have it fixed at the local gas station.

38.The only time you honk your horn is once a year during the safety check.

39.If a child needs a home, give him one. He becomes "Hanai."

40.You can live and let live with a smile in your heart.

41.The only foreign country you've visited is Las Vegas.

Sunday School...submitted 10/17/00

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor Thy father and They mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Dr. Seus on Computer Crashes submitted 10/012/00

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, And the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash; And your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang 'Cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk And the macrocode instructions cause unnecessary risk Then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires submitted 10/08/00

15 Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.

14 Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.

13 Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.

12 Three Words: Daylight Savings Time

11 Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"

10 After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.

9 After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.

8 No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.

7 With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.

6 No warm blood for miles around DC.

5 Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.

4 No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.

3 Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."

2 Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey. and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires...

1 Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.

Zen Quotes Submittted by: Robert J. Elkins

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just #$%^ off and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15. Don't squat with your spurs on.

17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

20. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Life's reflections submitted 09/20/00

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my husband is handsome, but I only have photographs of him on the wall.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".

15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore >

Politically Correct submitted 09/14/00

How to speak about women and be POLITICALLY CORRECT:

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

How to speak about men and be POLITICALLY CORRECT:

He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY

He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS

He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

MARTHA STEWART'S ETIQUETTE TIPS FOR REDNECKS submitted 09/07/00

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

George Carlin's Musings submitted 08/31/00

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

29. How is it possible to have a civil war?

30. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

31. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

32. If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

33. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

34. Who's cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

35. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

36. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

37. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

38. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

39. If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

40. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Points To Ponder submitted 8/25/00

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

I don't have a license to kill but I do have a learners permit.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.

All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat though.

Here I am!!! What are your other two wishes?

Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.

Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

Remember: First you pillage then you burn.

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake. .

Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh

A picture may be worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times more memory!

If a thing is worth doing wouldn't it have been done already?

If we weren't meant to eat animals why are they made of meat?

Ham and Eggs. Just a day's work for a chicken but a lifetime commitment for a pig.

Send this to the bank! submitted 08/18/00

Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, should they take my time to adjudicate, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an Establishment Fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, Third Quarter. To this end, please be advised of the following changes. First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application for Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive set of menus:

1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping; extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received;
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message

Good Questions submitted 08/11/00

Is it OK to use the AM radio in the afternoon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstates in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

More Wisdom From Children submitted 07/29/00

Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. Matthew,Age12

Never talk back to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. Stephanie, Age 8

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes. Carol, Age 9

Don't flush the toilet when you're dad's in the shower. Lamar, Age 10

Don't ever be too full for dessert. Kelly, Age 10

Never bug a pregnant mom. Nicholas, Age 11

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, Age 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, Age12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. Alyesha, Age 13

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do. Hank, Age 12

Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. Chelsey, Age 7

Stay away from prunes. Randy, Age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. Phillip, Age 13

Dating My Daughter submitted 07/25/00
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect ma good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.

"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex mithout utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too-- there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate --ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.

TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH. submitted 07/21/00

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair and by then you're stuck with her.

Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not tests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as McGuire's home runs, 3rd and short yardage play selections or monster trucks.

Sunday=sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport and, no, we're never going to think of it that way.

When we have to go somewhere absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it.

No we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.

Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do, Sympathy is what girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

Check your oil.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No it doesn't matter which quiz.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway. It's genetic.

You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.

Whenever possible please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

If it itches it will be scratched.

A perfect martini is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

What the hell is a doily?

Points to Ponder submitted 7/14/00

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

I don't have a license to kill but I do have a learners permit.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.

All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat though.

Here I am!!! What are your other two wishes?

Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.

Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

Remember: First you pillage then you burn.

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake. .

Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh

A picture may be worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times more memory!

If a thing is worth doing wouldn't it have been done already?

If we weren't meant to eat animals why are they made of meat?

Ham and Eggs. Just a day's work for a chicken but a lifetime commitment for a pig.

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted a