Apparently in Japan they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Here are 16 actual error messages from Japan: submitted 06/22/01

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more! Exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen
dies So beautifully.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao - until You bring fresh toner.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blanks.

The 10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations and some equally fitting stupid answers submitted 06/15/01

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends:

Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here? Answer:-Well, it's so hot, there were no cool cabs so thought I'd watch some advertisements in the cool comfort of the theatre.

2. In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes, steps on your feet: Stupid Question:-Sorry, did that hurt? Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia..... why don't you try again or should I try this time.

3. At a funeral:

One of the teary-eyed people ask: Stupid Question:-Why, why him, of all people. Answer:-Why? Would it rather be you?

4. At a restaurant:

When you ask the waiter: Stupid Question:-Is the "blah blah blah" dish good? Answer:-No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together:

When some distant aunt meets you after years: Stupid Question:-Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big. Answer:-Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask:

Stupid Question:-Is the guy you're marrying good? Answer:-No, he's a miserable wife-beating, insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call:

Stupid Question:-Sorry, Were you sleeping? Answer:-No. I was playing cricket for England at Sharjah and just when you called Salim Malik was betting with me that Pakistan would win. What do you think?

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair:

Stupid Question:-Hey have you had a haircut? Answer:-No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth:

Stupid Question:-Tell me if it hurts? Answer:- And while I'm telling you, you tell me if I bite.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks:

Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke Answer:- No, it's a miracle ...........it was chalk and now it's in flames!!!

"AT THE BEEP..." Actual Answering Machine Messages submitted 06/07/01

10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leaveyour name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving message.My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

Subject: Cute Kids submitted 05/29/01
The Curse of Modern Technology - The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

Which One?!? - A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary, or the King James Virgin?"

The TENTH Commandment - A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

The Prayer of Our Days - I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

The Ring Bearer - A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

Oh, noooo - One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew, but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called out loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

The Lord's Prayer - continued.... And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

School IS TOUGH!- One student's prayer: "Now I lay me down to rest, And hope to pass tomorrow's test. If I should die before I wake, That's one less test I have to take."

Life can be so much fun! - A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time just like I am."

Quiet in the Church! - As they were on the way to church service, a Sunday school teacher asked her little children; "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

God works in mysterious ways! - During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle... And just then... HE DID!!"

Top 10 things you should never say to your wife during an argument submitted 05/24/01

10. "Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded."

9. "Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?"

8. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning."

7. "Whoa, time out honey. Football is on."

6. "Sorry. I was just picturing you naked."

5. "You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?"

4. "Wait a minute...I get it. What time of the month is it?

3. "You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread."

2. "Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off."

1. "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?"

Hangovers submitted 05/18/01

1 star hangover (*) No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries.

2 star hangover (**) No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug is only irritating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels.

3 star hangover (***) Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke-yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover (****) Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars). Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, '76.

5 star hangover,(*****) aka "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell." You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your house

6 star hangover (******) otherwise known as the "Infinite Nutsmacker" You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your vomit from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow manages to get up before you the next morning....You try to lift your head. Not an option. It is when you turn your head too quickly only to smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair, and suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights...some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock" faintly atop your forehead......that explains the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your "hello kitty" pajamas and your slippers.

Technology for Country Folk submitted 05/11/01

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hot

LOG OFF: Too much wood on fire

MONITOR: Keep'n an eye on the wood stove

DOWN LOAD: Gitten the farwood off'n the truck

MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerfull gitten the farwood

FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to tote too much farwood

RAM: That thar thang what splits the farwood

HARD DRIVE: Gitten home in the winter time

WINDOWS: Whut to shut when its cold outside

SCREEN: Whut to shut when its black fly season

BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do

CHIP: Munchies fer the TV

MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag

MODEM: Whatcha do to the hay fields

DOT MATRIX: Ole Dan Matrix's wife

LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps

KEYBOARD: Whar you hang the dang truck keys

SOFTWARE: Dem dang plastic forks and knifes

MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn

MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer where the mouse lives

MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof PORT: Fancy flatlander wine

ENTER: Notherner talk fer "C'Mon in y'all"

CLICK: Whut you hear when you cock yer gun

DOUBLE CLICK: When you cock the double barrel

REBOOT: Whut you have to do right before bedtime when you have to go to the outhouse

Well known proverbs as seen by 6 year olds submitted 04/29/01

Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader

Never underestimate the power of............termites

You can lead a horse to water but...........how?

Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty

No news is..................................impossible

A miss is as good as a......................Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new..............math

If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning

Love all, trust.............................me

The pen is mightier than the................pigs

An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax

Where there's smoke there's.................pollution

Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents

A penny saved is............................not much

Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers

Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, Cry and.......you have to blow your nose

Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded

If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries

You get out of something what you...........see pictured on the box

And the favorite..... Better late than............................pregnant

Weird n' funny!!!!! submitted 04/29/01

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3) Insist that your e mail address is:
Xena-Warrior-Princess@Uwillnotwin.com
Elvis-the-King@iseedeadpeople.com

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

6) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

7) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

8) In the memo field of all your checks, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS."

9) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

10) Don't use any punctuation

11) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

12) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

13) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

14) Sing along at the opera.

15) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

16) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

17) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

18) Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

19) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won!, I won! -- 3rd time this week!!!"

20) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

21) Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....

22) Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.

ALL I NEED TO KNOW, I LEARNED FROM THE EASTER BUNNY submitted 4/20/01

Don't put all of your eggs in one basket

Walk softly and carry a big carrot

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears

There's no such thing as too much candy

All work and no play can make you a basket case

A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day

Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits

Some body parts should be floppy

Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans

Good things come in small sugar-coated packages

The grass is always greener in someone else's basket

An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare

To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell

The best things in life are still sweet and gooey

FUN LOVING INSULTS submitted 04/12/01

Yo Mama So Fat....

...she fell in love and she broke it

...she jumped on a scale and it said "to be continued"

...she jumped on a scale and it said "one at a time please"

...she jumped on a dollar and got four quarters

...she's got her own area code

...her measurements are 36-24-36, and her other arm is just as big

Yo Mama's so old...

...she was in Jesus's yearbook

...when God said let there be light, she flipped the switch

...her driver's license number is one

Yo Family's So Poor...

...your house has a kickstand ...

you have to go home and take off your clothes so your father has pants to go to work

Yo House is so Nasty...

...the roaches wear shoes

...you wipe your feet before going out

Yo Pop's So Stupid...

...he thought a quarterback is a refund

...I gave a penny for his thoughts and got change back

A MARRIED COUPLE submitted 04/06/01

A married man left for work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife.

After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How'd you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?"

"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by with the same result. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little... just out of the corner of his left eye.

Nine things that make me mad - submitted 03/29/01

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". What good is a cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

4. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dummy, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the freaking ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

6. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!

7. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

8. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know jerk, you pulled me over.

Because I'm a Man! Submitted 03/22/01 Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how could he know where we're going?

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I like the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without, it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine all over. Can we just go now?!!

IDIOTS submitted 03/15/01

EMERGENCY ROOM IDIOTS

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the

poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she

caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the

ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into

the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened

to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to

kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the

Emergency Room right away.

HIGHWAY IDIOTS

I was in a car dealership when a brand new motor home was towed into the

garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole

thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what

had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then

went into the back to make a sandwich.

COMPUTER IDIOTS

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a

large bank. Employees out in the field call him when they have problems with

their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch

banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my

terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

AIRBORNE IDIOTS

Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees in the field decided to

steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting

it out of the plane and took it to the river, they were quite surprised

by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the

chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the

raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.

DEPARTMENT STORE IDIOTS

I worked for a while at a K-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an

employee of K-Mart you are sometimes required to make storewide pages,

e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint

counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system

with the (I kid you not) following message: "I have a customer by the balls

in toys who needs assistance."

Crazy Kids submitted 03/06/01
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas. THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN...(HONEST AND NO KIDDING):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3 year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) won't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain LEGOS will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show that they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. The spin cycle on the washing machine will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

HEADLINES FROM 2050 (THESE are the Good Old Days) submitted 03/01/01

Florida to Be Readmitted to Union

Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock

Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen

Great and Benevolent Galactic Ruler Reveals That Anal Probes Were "Just For Fun"

Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past With US President

Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome Young Actor. "This Is True Love," He Beams.

Construction Begins On Grenada War Memorial In D.C.

President "Bonecrusher" Jones to Face Chief Justice "Mad Dog" Ortega In Cage Match

Pope Phil II Settles Custody Battle With Ex-Wife

Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants

Younger Generation's Music Provokes Outrage of Elders

D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow

Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby's

Nursing Home Lawsuit Case: Clinton Denies Candy Striper's Allegations

Court Clears AOL-TimeWarner-GE-Disney-Cisco-Ford-RJR-Nabisco-Exxon-Mobil of Monopoly Charges

50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss

Baby Conceived Naturally

It Wasn't the Cigarettes - It Was the Ashtrays

Miscellanous submitted 02/29/01

You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching your kids to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it. - Chinese Proverb.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!

On marital bliss: "Sally," asked Linda one day, "what would you do if you caught another woman fooling around with your husband?" "With George?" Sally thought it over. "Let's see; I'd break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from." *** A woman was shopping in a fairly nice dress store. Trying on a dress and liking it, she asked the salesman the price. When he told her she launched into a tirade about prices these days, covering just about everything from housing to auto tires. After five minutes or so, the salesman had enough and said, "My dear lady. If the cost of living is so high and obviously so offensive to you, why do you bother?" ~~~~~~~~ Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes

"You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge. "Yes," answered the suspect. "And what did you steal?" "A dress, Your Honor," replied the subject. "One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!" "Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "But my wife didn't like the color."

Burglars broke into a home in England and discovered a plastic bag containing a powder marked Charlie. Charlie in the United Kingdom is slang for cocaine so they snorted the entire bag. Turns out Charlie was also the name of the homeowners' cremated dog.

A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast, and everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm. "Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior officer. "I know where he lives," came the reply, "and he wouldn't have made it."

The letter of the Law..

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

The Real Reason for all that Practice...

A teacher explained to her third graders the importance of penmanship:

"If you can't write your name, when you grow up you'll have to pay cash for everything!"

Jack Benny swears that one evening when he was invited to play for the President, a guard stopped outside the White House gate and asked, "Whatcha got in that case, Mr. Benny?" Benny answered solemnly, "A machine gun." With equal solemnity, the guard nodded. "Enter, friend. I was afraid for a minute it was your violin!"

In the 80's, a [local] radio station had a couple of DJs who claimed the stealth fighter had landed at the Mt. Joy airport in Mt. Joy, Iowa. This airfield is used mainly by the weekend warriors, and once a year it's used for an air show. The authorities were notified after an estimated 10,000 people came to the airport. They asked the people why they were out there, and they were given the story about the stealth fighter. The authorities then called the FBI, who talked to the FAA, who called the FBI back. The two DJs got yanked off the air and suspended for two weeks -- but not before some people at the airport, armed with cell phones, called into the station, got put on the air, and said that they couldn't see the thing. The DJs replied that it was proof the technology worked. To top it all off: the DJs said the only way that you could see the plane was to move your head back and fourth -- like a chicken when it walks -- and try to catch a glimpse out of the corner of your eye. They stated that if you looked right at it, you would never see it. This was believed and a majority of the people were doing just this when the police arrived !

Another Month Ends:

All Targets Met All Systems Working All Customers Satisfied All Staff Eager and Enthusiastic All Pigs Fed and Ready to Fly

Tuesday's Wall Street Journal has an article about the Dutch takeover of JFK airport's International Arrivals building. The Dutch have some interesting ideas on how to clean it up:

• In Amsterdam, the tile under Schiphol's urinals would pass inspection in an operating room. But nobody notices. What everybody does notice is that each urinal has a fly in it. Look harder, and the fly turns into the black outline of a fly, etched into the porcelain.
• "It improves the aim," says Aad Kieboom. "If a man sees a fly, he aims at it." Mr. Kieboom, an economist, directs Schiphol's own building expansion. His staff conducted fly-in-urinal trials and found that etchings reduce spillage by 80%.
• "We will put flies in the urinals -- yes," Jan Jansen says in a back office at the Arrivals Building. He is the new Dutch general manager, the boss as of noon today. "It gives a guy something to think about. That's the perfect example of process control."
• His New York public relations attendant titters. "Fine, laugh at me," Mr. Jansen says. "It works."

It's obvious to some.........

Our correspondent in Poland reports that Wojciech Jaruzelski, Tadeusz Mazowiecki and Lech Walesa met in a summit conference, and the only thing that they could agree on was that George Bush has a funny name. ( >From the SF Chronicle, Herb Caen's column )

Taxes: The method the government uses to take from the rich, the not so rich, the middle class, and those barely eking out a living and giving it to the poor while skimming off 90 percent for administration.

It Makes a Difference...

The captain of a new super jet radioed a ground controller to find out what time it was. The controller responded by asking the captain what airline the captain was flying. The captain responded by saying, "What difference does the airline make? I just want to know what time it is." The controller indicated it made a great deal of difference.

"If you are on Delta Airlines, it is 3:00 pm. If you are on TWA, it is 1500 hours. If it's Ozark Airlines the little hand is on the three and the big hand is on the twelve; and if it's United Airlines, it is Friday..."

Wise Kids submitted 02/14/01

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know ea! ch other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 9

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about! me in all the dead columns. - Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. - Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10 --

How to Give a Cat a Pill: submitted 02/07/01

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13. Tie the dang thing's front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give a Dog a Pill:

1. Wrap it in bacon.

The Blues submitted 02/01/01

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. " I got a good woman", is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes .... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher -and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Tucson is just depression, baby. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places: a. Nordstrom's b. gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Merlot
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer- you cannot sing the blues.

New words added to the 2000 version of the Dictionary submitted 1/24/01

Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Seagull Manager - A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything, and then leaves.

Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

Career Limiting Move (CLM) - Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404-URL Not Found," meaning that the requested web page could not be located. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him... he's 404, man."

Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in: "We were so lost in Generica that I forgot what city we were in."

Ohno-Second - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dylan, my ... um...friend."

Body Nazis - Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles.

Idea Hamsters - People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Mouse Potato - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for "Single Income, Two Children, And Oppressive Mortgage".

Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out - An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

G.O.O.D. Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."

New Barbies submitted 1/11/01

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors(half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too - muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when shesneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

Quotes submitted 1/11/01

Bill Maher "Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."

Paula Poundstone "My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

Judy Tenuta "I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself."

John Mendoza "Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"

Steven Wright "Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for; just a second."

Bobcat Goldthwait "If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."

A. Whitney Brown "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."

Dick Cavett "If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."

Warren Hutcherson "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"

Rita Rudner "I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."

Rita Rudner "When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other."

Rita Rudner "Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"

Kevin Meaney "I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money."

Jay Mohr "You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day."

Michael McShane "I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget."

Jim Carrey "Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."

Garry Shandling "I have such poor vision I can date anybody."

Jack Mayberry "I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."

Elayne Boosler "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."

Bob Ettinger "Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

Jerry Seinfeld "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

Jerry Seinfeld "The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'"

Ron Richards "My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."

Jon Stewart "Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"

Conan O'Brien "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."

Winston Spear "I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin."

Bruce Baum "I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."

Marsha Warfield "Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player."

Jeff Stilson "I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners."

Sue Murphy "Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."

Rita Mae Brown "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."

Lily Tomlin "I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else."

Lily Tomlin "I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."

Drew Carey "I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter."

Christopher Case "A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."

Ellen DeGeneres "I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."

David Letterman "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."

Bob Saget "I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing."

Jay Leno "If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."

Billiam Coronell "Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away."

Larry Miller "I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'"

Jake Johansen "A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN BEFORE I ENTERED THE REAL WORLD

A.. Any and all compliments are best received by simply saying, "Thank you." Though, it helps if you say it with a Southern accent.

B.. No books will be as good as the ones you loved as a child.

C.. Never give yourself a haircut after 3 martinis, or 3 margaritas, or 3 shots of tequila, or 3....

D.. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.

E.. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to a waiter.

F.. Good sex should involve laughter, because... you know...it's funny.

G.. A person really needs only 2 tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

H.. If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other person.

I.. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: 'I apologize' and 'you are correct'.

J.. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

K.. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

L.. Remember the good advice your mom gave you: "Go. You might meet somebody."

M.. Never marry someone that you meet in a bar.

N.. Never ride a motorcycle when you're drunk.

O.. If a person says that you are too good for him/her-believe it.

P.. Pick your battles. Ask yourself: Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?

Q.. The shortest line is always the longest.

R.. At hard times ask yourself: How do I feel? What do I want? Use it whenever you're at a loss for words or thoughts.

S.. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

T.. If you woke up breathing, congratulations. You have another chance.

U.. If you move far from your family when you're young, consider choosing a career with an airline. Your need to see your family will last a lifetime, as will your travel benefits.

V.. Living well really is the best revenge.

W.. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.

X.. Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bed pan and hold your hand.

Y.. Work is good, but it's not important.

Z.. Never underestimate the kindness of a fellow human being.

AA.. Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect; it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

AB.. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are onstage singing, some are in the audience as critics, and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.