Rules That Guys Wish Girls Knew: submitted 12/28/01

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat - If it's up, put it down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

4. Birthdays, Valentine's Day and Anniversaries are not a quest to see if we can find the perfect present once again.

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and carburetors.

8. Get rid of your cat. No, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

10. Sunday Equals Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not a Sport.

12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have way too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must but don't expect us to like it.

16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

17. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar. IN BOLD.

18. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. Expect us to miss sometimes.

19. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with a dress?

20. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers from us.

21. A headache that lasts for 10 days is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Your mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

23. Films starring Barbra Streisand are fare for Girls Night Out.

24. Check your oil.

25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

26. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

27. It is not in your best interest, or ours, to take a quiz together.

28. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after a week.

29. If you don't dress like a Victoria's Secret girl, don't expect us to act like a Soap Opera guy.

30. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways, one of which makes you sad and angry, we meant it the other way.

31. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we appreciate how pretty you are?

32. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the Genie to come out.

33. You can either ask us to do something, OR tell us how you want it done. You can't have both.

34. Whenever possible, say what you have to say during commercials.

35. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

36. Women wearing Wonder Bras and low cut blouses lose their right to complain about us staring at their boobs.

37. The remote is ours.

38. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed or have had boob jobs makes you look jealous and petty ... and it won't make us stop reading the magazines.

39. The relationship is certainly not going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

40. If we can't remember your sister's husband's cousin's name, but remember both teams' starting lineups at the 1956 World Series, there is no contradiction.

Important Information About Chocolate submitted 12/12/01

Chocolate is a Vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable.

Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants,which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further,chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.That way,at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose.

An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen can you?

Employees submitted 12/08/01

These are ACTUAL supervisor quotes taken from employee performance evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

12. "A gross ignoramus --- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural DE-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it"

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 minutes'."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Santa's Reindeer submitted 11/29/01

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a girl. We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!

Leroy submitted 11/26/01

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied. "What are their names?" he asked. "LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered. "They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in." "And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered. "But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

Numerology of Terrorist Attack submitted 11/15/01

The date of the attack: 9/11 - 9 + 1 + 1 = 11
September 11th is the 254th day of the year: 2 + 5 + 4 = 11
After September 11th there are 111 days left to the end of the year.
119 is the area code to Iraq/Iran. 1 + 1 + 9 = 11
Twin Towers - standing side by side, looks like the number 11
The first plane to hit the towers was Flight 11
Flight 11 - 92 on board - 9 + 2 = 11 Flight 77 - 65 on board - 6 + 5 = 11
State of New York - The 11th State added to the Union
New York City - 11 Letters
Afghanistan - 11 Letters
The Pentagon - 11 Letters
Ramzi Yousef - 11 Letters (convicted or orchestrating the attack on the WTC in 1993)

Oh my God! How worried should I be? There are 11 letters in the name "David Pawson!" I'm going into hiding NOW. See you in a few weeks.

Wait a sec ... just realized "YOU CAN'T HIDE" also has 11 letters! What am I gonna do? Help me!!! The terrorists are after me! ME! I can't believe it!

Oh crap, there must be someplace on the planet Earth I could hide! But no ... "PLANET EARTH" has 11 letters, too!

Maybe Nostradamus can help me. But dare I trust him? There are 11 letters in "NOSTRADAMUS."

I know, the Red Cross can help. No they can't... 11 letters in "THE RED CROSS," can't trust them. I would rely on self defense, but "SELF DEFENSE" has 11 letters in it, too! Can someone help?

Anyone? If so, send me email. No, don't... "SEND ME EMAIL" has 11 letters....

Will this never end? I'm going insane! "GOING INSANE???" Eleven letters!! Nooooooooooo!!!!!! I guess I'll die alone, even though "I'LL DIE ALONE" has 11 letters .....

Oh my God, I just realized that America is doomed! Our Independence Day is July 4th ... 7/4 ... 7+4=11!

David

PS. "IT'S BULLSHIT" has 11 letters

Is your job getting a little boring? submitted 11/10/01

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."

Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.

Call everyone Madge.

Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

Insist that your e-mail address be: zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products.

Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many fish you can catch in your mouth.

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Bears submitted 11/01/01

SPECIAL NOTICE FROM THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE ROCKY MOUNTAINS DIVISION

Tourists are encouraged to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST BEARS. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears.

One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it... Enjoy our nation's wilderness areas. Thank you - The National Park Service

Here's to achieving 103% - submitted 10/18/01

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100% . Here's to achieving 103% by using a little math that might prove helpful in the future!

What makes life 100% ??

IF: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is substituted as
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then; H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only

But;

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %

However; B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

Give it all you've got.

Real Man University program outline - submitted 10/18/01

FIRST YEAR

Autumn Schedule: MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102Y ou, Too, Can Do Housework MEN 103PMS Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas

Winter Schedule: MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at4:00am MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule: MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a jerk When You're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers

SECOND YEAR

Autumn Schedule: SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower MEN 201 How to Stay Awake After Sex MEN 202 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

Elective (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule: MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1

Spring Schedule: MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/FailOnly) MEN 221 Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 222 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives: EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly MEN 231 Mothers-in-law MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"

The Loan submitted 10/09/01

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so he said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce." The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?

Legal Title submitted 09/28/01

A New Orleans lawyer we know sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral proper back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter): "Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope to hell you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"

They got it.

Here's a small chuckle...submitted 09/26/01

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see".

Watson said, "I see thousands and thousands of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day to-morrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent".

Children's Letters To God submitted 09/20/01

DearGOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane

Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan

Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane

Dear God, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother! -Darla

Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce

Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. -Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am).

Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L.

Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce

Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny

Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry

Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. -Sam

Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your goodest inventions. -Ruth M.

Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan

Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D.

Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. -Sincerely, Donna

Men Put downs submitted 09/14/01

What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook - they eat. We clean - they dirty. We iron - they wrinkle.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE, He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.

What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man? Big Foot's been spotted several times.

What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them.

Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

NEW BREEDS ARE NOW RECOGNIZED BY THE AKC Submitted 09/06/01

Collie + Lhasa Apso Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer Moot Point, owned by ... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + ShihTzu Oh, never mind.......

NEW WORDS FOR THE 2000's submitted 08/29/01

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.

MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs - (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STARTER MARRIAGE - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

XEROX SUBSIDY - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

GOOD JOB - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find your-self unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton's shameful video Grand Jury testimony is another.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

UNINSTALLED - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn: decruitment.)

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

GENERICA - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dylan, my ... um ... friend."

Job Reviews submitted 08/22/01

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.

(1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig."

2) "His men would follow him anywhere, ..... but only out of morbid curiosity."

(3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

(4) "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."

(5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

(6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

(7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

(8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

(9)! "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

(10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

(11) "This employee should go far, ..... and the sooner he starts, the better."

(12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

(13) "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

(14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

(15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

(16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

(17) "He's been working with glue too much."

(18) "He would argue with a signpost."

(19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

(20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

(21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

(22) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ... he's the other one."

(23) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

(24) "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

(25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

(26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

(27) "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

(28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

(29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

(30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."

(31) "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."

(32) "One neuron short of a synapse."

(33) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;.....he only gargled."

(34) "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

(35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Kids in church submitted 8/15/01

The Curse of Modern Technology The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

Which One?!? A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary, or the King James Virgin?"

The TENTH Commandment A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

The Prayer of Our Days... I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

The Ring Bearer... A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

Oh, noooo... One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew, but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called out loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

The Lord's Prayer.... continued.... And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash bas- kets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

School IS TOUGH! One student's prayer: "Now I lay me down to rest, And hope to pass tomorrow's test. If I should die before I wake, That's one less test I have to take."

Life can be so much fun! A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time just like I am."

Quiet in the Church! As they were on the way to church service, a Sunday school teacher asked her little children; "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

mysterious ways! During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle... And just then... HE DID!!"

Some Blondes submitted 08/10/01

RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."

FASHION POLICE A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "It's a cardigan!"

THE INTERVIEW The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

SPACEY A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian bragged, "We were the first in space!" The American retorted, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you fool. You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!! A police officer stops a blonde for speeding, and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. Huffily, she replied, "I wish you guys would make up your mind. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

NO BRAINER A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. When it was her turn, she rolled the dice, and landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

HELP!!! An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room."You can't get out of your room? "Why not?" the captain asked. "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb!'"

Some funnies submitted 07/31/01

# 1 Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. They came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn she just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection; the light was red again, they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right though it. She turned to the other woman and said "Mildred, did you know we just went through three red lights in a row!! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh no, am I driving?"

#2 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes", I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right" I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

#3 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

#4 While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

#5 A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache next morning."

#6 While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather....and unto the Sonnn ......and into the hole he gooooes."

#7 A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!"

#8 A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

Another Blonde Joke submitted 07/25/01

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender-"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is a blonde, the bouncer is a blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, " Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Boyfriend 5.0 submitted 07/18/01

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Signed:
Desperate Wife

Dear Desperate Wife,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not Supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Keep-a-nice-body 10.1.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Too Dumb! submitted 07/14/01

When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, the robber, one James Elliot, did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her dead.

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the line a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

In Minneapolis, USA, 28 year old Derrick L Richardson has been charged with third-degree murder of his much loved cousin, Ken E Richardson. According to local police, Derrick had suggested to Ken that they play a game of Russian Roulette, but, having no revolver, instead put a semi-automatic pistol to his cousin's head. Apparently, he did not realize that one bullet ALWAYS loads into the firing chamber of a semi-automatic.

An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked about how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

Interesting quotes submitted 07/08/01

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. - Ed Bluestone

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. - unknown

Suppose you were an idiot.....And suppose you were a member of Congress.......but I repeat myself. - Mark Twain

Early conversations with God submitted 06/27/01

Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have? --Amy

Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. --Larry

Dear GOD, If you watch me in Church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. --Mickey

Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. --Nan

Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? --Jane

Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody will tell me. Love Alison

Dear GOD, Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? --Lucy

Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? --Anita

Dear GOD, Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? --Norma

Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? --Jan

Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in Church. Is that okay? --Neal

Dear GOD, What does it mean, You are a jealous GOD? I thought You had everything. -- Jane

Dear GOD, Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? because if You did, then I'm going to fix my brother. --Darla

Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. --Joyce

Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am.) >

Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. --Tom L.

Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.

Dear GOD, If we come back as something--Please don't let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her. --Denise.

Dear GOD, If You give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You anything You want, except my money or my chess set. --Raphael

Dear GOD, My brother is a rat! You should give him a tail. Ha ha! --Danny

Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. --Tom

Dear GOD, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. --Dean

Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. --Ruth M.

Dear GOD, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. --Elliott

Dear GOD, Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. --Rob

Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. He's just kidding, isn't he? --Marsha

Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. -- Love Chris

Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light! But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stole your idea. --Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD, The bad people laughed at Noah-, "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. --Eddie

Dear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. --Charles.

Dear GOD, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. --Eugene