On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake.

While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out,"and he leaves.

The couple sits for a couple of months and they begin to wonder if they really should get married in heaven, what with the eternal aspect and all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder. "Are we stuck together?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard into the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Good grief!" St. Peter exclaims. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer!?"

Off the wall submitted 07/30/02

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.

Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam".

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.

What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.

And what kind of lettuce? Iceberg.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.

It's good to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

COWS – submitted 07/24/02

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of Their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life Is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which is two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.

POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votesfor the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking one.

NEW YORK CORPORATION: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat, bossy bitch cow from Arkansas.

Stay Sane submitted 07/18/02

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation marks

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......

20. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.

Wrightisms submitted 07/12/02

For those of you not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen......and replaced by exact duplicates."

He also said:

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case..coincidence?

Dancing is a perpendicular statement of a horizontal desire.

What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Great Thinkers of Our Time submitted 07/02/02

1. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." ---Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

2. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." ---Mariah Carey

3. "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but I can't remember what they are." --Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show, August 22

4. "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." ---David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes

5. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." ---Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti- smoking campaign.

6. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." ---Winston Bennett, Univ. of KY basketball forward

7. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

8. "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." ---Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

9. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." ---Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

10. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." ---Former French President Charlie De Gaulle

11."That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." ---A Congressional Candidate in Texas.

12. "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." --General William Westmoreland

Taking it With You submitted 06/29/02
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, " I know you wern't fool enough to put all that money in there with him. " She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?" "I sure did," said the wife. "'I wrote him a check."

Engineering Personalities submitted 06/20/02

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Four
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail.

In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1. Knowing where to put it, $49,999.

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints"

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess" He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

Don't Ask submitted 06/14/02
Trial lawyers have a rule: Never ask a witness a question to which you don't know the answer in advance. Here's why the rule is so important:

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand -a grandmotherly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people, and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Oh yes, I most certainly know him."

The defense attorney was also surprised and shocked.

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom tosilence and called both lawyers to the bench. In a very quiet but menacing voice, he said, "If either of you two idiots asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Now that I'm 'older' here's what I've discovered: submitted 06/08/02

1. I started out with nothing and still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in - life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess!
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere!
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter; I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

Easy Exam - submitted 05/30/02

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an A so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. Cool, they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, ;this is going to be easy.

Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written:

For 95 points: Which tire?

Some New Words for 2002 - Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary: submitted 05/22/02

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the hell out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

I didn't do it submitted 05/15/02

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes" was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

What is she up to!?!?! submitted 05/09/02

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied.

(Now this is going to kill you. . . .}

SCROLL DOWN ....

You're gonna hate me for this...

She sells C cells down by the sea shore.

If only..... submitted 5/3/02

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19^th hole. Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues

(H = Husband, W = Wife)

H - "Hello?"

W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

H - "Yes."

W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

H - "What's the price?"

W - "Only $1,000."

H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

H - "What price did he quote you?"

W - "Only $60,000..."

H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."

H - "What?"

W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beach front

property."

H - "How much are they asking?"

W - "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?"

W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

H - "Bye...I love you too..."

The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

We're getiing too old submitted 4/ 22/02
A group of senior citizens were talking at the breakfast table in a Florida nursing home.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can barely even see my cup of coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which many nodded weakly.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another continued.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," and they all nodded in agreement.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Well it could be worse," said one old woman with resolute cheerfulness.

"Thank God we all can still drive."

Mothering submitted 04/19/02
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes" was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Where You Are submitted 04/10/02

YOU'RE IN CALIFORNIA WHEN;
You make more than $250,000 and still can't afford to buy your own house.
The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
You know how to eat an artichoke.
You drive to your neighborhood block party.

YOU'RE IN MINNESOTA WHEN;
You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
You have more than one recipe for moose.
Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can get a movie and bait in the same store.

YOU'RE IN COLORADO WHEN;
You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
You tell your husband to pick up "Granola" on his way home and he stops at the day-care center to pick up your child.
A pass does not involve a football or dating.

YOU'RE IN NORTH DAKOTA WHEN;
You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
Your idea of a traffic jam is four cars waiting to pass a tractor.
You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different."
You consult the football schedule before planning your wedding date.
"He needed killin' " is a valid defense.

FOREGONE CONCLUSION: submitted 04/02/02
(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

How Life Works submitted 03/27/02

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year lifespan." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way! I'll tell you what.I'll take my twenty, and the forty that the cow gave back. Plus I'll take the ten that the dog gave back and the ten that the monkey gave back. That makes eighty years, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody. That's how life works.

Reunion?

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 45 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1961." "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

How do we ever communicate? submitted 03/14/02

This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. It was passed on by a linguist, original author unknown. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. And why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick

That Nasty Devil submitted 03/04/02

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so man and woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to man, "You want fries with that?" And man said, "Super size them." And man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dips. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery..... And Satan created HMOs....

MURDER (The actual AP headline) submitted 03/01/02
Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the

back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.

She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

Y2k Compliant by a blonde submitted 02/18/02
Blonde secretary's memo to her boss:
To: My Boss
From: Blondie
Subject: Changing calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company calendars for next year.

The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months: Januark Februark Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to: Sundak Mondak Tuesdak Wednesdak Thursdak Fridak Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant.

Regards, Blondie --------------

How Do These People Survive? submitted 02/17/02

HALF DOZEN
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the spotty teenager at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

NO BAR CODE
The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today. " She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.....

ATM THINGY
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".

LOCKED OUT
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.

BLANK PAPER
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

JUST CRUISIN'
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister.

" I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

IDIOTS AT WORK... Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

IDIOTS & COMPUTERS... My neighbour works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:

"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE: I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

(MY FAVOURITE) Police in Dublin, Ohio, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

You Might Be A Redneck If... submitted 02/06/02

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

6. You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

8. Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

10. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

11. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

12. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

13. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

14. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

15. You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

16. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

17. You've bathed with flea and tick soap.

18. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

19. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

20. You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.

21. You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

22. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

23. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

24. You have a rag for a gas cap.

25. Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

26. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

27. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

28. You can spit without opening your mouth.

29. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

30. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

31. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

32. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

33. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

34. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

35. You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.

36. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

37. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

38. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

39. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.

40. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

41. You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"

42. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

43. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

44. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

Peace Talks submitted 1/29/02

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for a round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking and after about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton on the face.

Confused, Clinton carries on talking, as Saddam falls about laughing. A few minutes later the second button is pressed, and this time a big boot comes out a kicks Clinton in the shin. Again, Saddam laughs,and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the groin, he's finally had enough. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yanks revenge. They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks,but nothing happens. Clinton sniggers.

A few seconds later, he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up,but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter.

When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Sod this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Clinton says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

A TEST OF YOUR ABILITIES AS A PROFESSIONAL submitted 01/26/02

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions. The results will tell whether you are qualified as a 'professional." The questions are not very difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross, but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

Answers:
1. The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. (This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way).
2. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. (This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions).
3. Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. (This tests your memory).
4. Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Lion King's meeting. (This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes).

According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide (no, NOT Arthur Anderson Inc.), almost 90% of the professionals they tested got ALL FOUR questions wrong. But most pre-schoolers answered several questions correctly. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

Blonde on Horse submitted 01/15/02

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. she mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it's slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horses pounding hooves. Her head is struck against the ground again and again and she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when.....

...the WAL-MART manager runs out to shut the horse off.

Gettin' Old. submitted 01/03/02

I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD (Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder). This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to change the oil in the car. I start out to the garage and notice the mail on the table. Ok, I am going to work on the car, but first I will go thru the mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice that the waste basket is full so I put the bills on my desk and go to take the trash out to the barrels but, since I will be near the mailbox, I decide to address a few bills first.

So then, where is my checkbook? Oops, only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty cup from last night on my desk. I will put it back in the kitchen before I look for the checks. I head for the kitchen and notice through the window that my flowers need watering. I leave the cup on the counter and notice my extra pair of glasses on the counter. I'll just put them away.

But first, I need to water those flowers. I head for the door and oh! someone left the TV remote in the wrong place. So I will put it away and water the flowers, but first, I need to find those checks.

By the end of the day: the oil in the car has not been changed, the bills are still unpaid, the cup is still in the sink, the checkbook still has only one check left in it, I?ve lost my car keys, and, when I try to figure out why nothing has gotten done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!!!

I know this condition is serious and I would get help, but first I think I'll check my e-mail!

*By the way, I understand that this disease is highly contagious and that it can be transmitted by the internet, so if you want to avoid AAADD, don't read this. I meant to put this warning at the beginning of this message, but I was distracted. Sorry!

A Commencement address recently given byKurt Vonnegut at MIT. submitted 01/04/02

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '98: Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts.

Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself. Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters.

Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.

Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

Rules That Guys Wish Girls Knew: submitted 12/28/01

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat - If it's up, put it down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

4. Birthdays, Valentine's Day and Anniversaries are not a quest to see if we can find the perfect present once again.

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and carburetors.

8. Get rid of your cat. No, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

10. Sunday Equals Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not a Sport.

12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have way too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must but don't expect us to like it.

16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

17. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar. IN BOLD.

18. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. Expect us to miss sometimes.

19. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with a dress?

20. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers from us.

21. A headache that lasts for 10 days is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Your mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

23. Films starring Barbra Streisand are fare for Girls Night Out.

24. Check your oil.

25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

26. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

27. It is not in your best interest, or ours, to take a quiz together.

28. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after a week.

29. If you don't dress like a Victoria's Secret girl, don't expect us to act like a Soap Opera guy.

30. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways, one of which makes you sad and angry, we meant it the other way.

31. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we appreciate how pretty you are?

32. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the Genie to come out.

33. You can either ask us to do something, OR tell us how you want it done. You can't have both.

34. Whenever possible, say what you have to say during commercials.

35. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

36. Women wearing Wonder Bras and low cut blouses lose their right to complain about us staring at their boobs.

37. The remote is ours.

38. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed or have had boob jobs makes you look jealous and petty ... and it won't make us stop reading the magazines.

39. The relationship is certainly not going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

40. If we can't remember your sister's husband's cousin's name, but remember both teams' starting lineups at the 1956 World Series, there is no contradiction.

Important Information About Chocolate submitted 12/12/01

Chocolate is a Vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable.

Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants,which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further,chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.That way,at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose.

An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen can you?

Employees submitted 12/08/01

These are ACTUAL supervisor quotes taken from employee performance evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

12. "A gross ignoramus --- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural DE-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it"

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 minutes'."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Santa's Reindeer submitted 11/29/01

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a girl. We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!

Leroy submitted 11/26/01

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied. "What are their names?" he asked. "LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered. "They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in." "And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered. "But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

Numerology of Terrorist Attack submitted 11/15/01

The date of the attack: 9/11 - 9 + 1 + 1 = 11
September 11th is the 254th day of the year: 2 + 5 + 4 = 11
After September 11th there are 111 days left to the end of the year.
119 is the area code to Iraq/Iran. 1 + 1 + 9 = 11
Twin Towers - standing side by side, looks like the number 11
The first plane to hit the towers was Flight 11
Flight 11 - 92 on board - 9 + 2 = 11 Flight 77 - 65 on board - 6 + 5 = 11
State of New York - The 11th State added to the Union
New York City - 11 Letters
Afghanistan - 11 Letters
The Pentagon - 11 Letters
Ramzi Yousef - 11 Letters (convicted or orchestrating the attack on the WTC in 1993)

Oh my God! How worried should I be? There are 11 letters in the name "David Pawson!" I'm going into hiding NOW. See you in a few weeks.

Wait a sec ... just realized "YOU CAN'T HIDE" also has 11 letters! What am I gonna do? Help me!!! The terrorists are after me! ME! I can't believe it!

Oh crap, there must be someplace on the planet Earth I could hide! But no ... "PLANET EARTH" has 11 letters, too!

Maybe Nostradamus can help me. But dare I trust him? There are 11 letters in "NOSTRADAMUS."

I know, the Red Cross can help. No they can't... 11 letters in "THE RED CROSS," can't trust them. I would rely on self defense, but "SELF DEFENSE" has 11 letters in it, too! Can someone help?

Anyone? If so, send me email. No, don't... "SEND ME EMAIL" has 11 letters....

Will this never end? I'm going insane! "GOING INSANE???" Eleven letters!! Nooooooooooo!!!!!! I guess I'll die alone, even though "I'LL DIE ALONE" has 11 letters .....

Oh my God, I just realized that America is doomed! Our Independence Day is July 4th ... 7/4 ... 7+4=11!

David

PS. "IT'S BULLSHIT" has 11 letters

Is your job getting a little boring? submitted 11/10/01

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."

Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.

Call everyone Madge.

Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

Insist that your e-mail address be: zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products.

Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many fish you can catch in your mouth.

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Bears submitted 11/01/01

SPECIAL NOTICE FROM THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE ROCKY MOUNTAINS DIVISION

Tourists are encouraged to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST BEARS. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears.

One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it... Enjoy our nation's wilderness areas. Thank you - The National Park Service

Here's to achieving 103% - submitted 10/18/01

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100% . Here's to achieving 103% by using a little math that might prove helpful in the future!

What makes life 100% ??

IF: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is substituted as
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then; H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only

But;

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %

However; B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

Give it all you've got.

Real Man University program outline - submitted 10/18/01

FIRST YEAR

Autumn Schedule: MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102Y ou, Too, Can Do Housework MEN 103PMS Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas

Winter Schedule: MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at4:00am MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule: MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a jerk When You're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers

SECOND YEAR

Autumn Schedule: SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower MEN 201 How to Stay Awake After Sex MEN 202 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

Elective (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule: MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1

Spring Schedule: MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/FailOnly) MEN 221 Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 222 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives: EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly MEN 231 Mothers-in-law MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"

The Loan submitted 10/09/01

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so he said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce." The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?

Legal Title submitted 09/28/01

A New Orleans lawyer we know sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral proper back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter): "Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope to hell you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"