WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN) submitted 06/10/04

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said. "Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?

Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!" No Way!" Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why" "Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said

"Did not"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT! 1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children. 3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young. 4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. 6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN".

Dazzle 'em submitted 06/01/04
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says, "Where's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

SOMETIMES IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, THEN BAFFLE THEM WITH B. S.

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYMEWITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE submitted 05/28004:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

*********************************

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

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Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

**********************************

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

****************************

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.

******************************

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

***********************************

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

************************************

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

*******************************

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

*************************************

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

*************************************

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Go To Hell".

********************************

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

IQ Test

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...

He opens his mouth and says.

"I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses."

Dents in her car submitted 5/22/04
A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HELLLLOWW... You gotta roll up the windows..."

Open eyes submitted 5/14/04

George Bush is out jogging one morning and notices Little Hannah on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to Little Hannah and asks her, "What's in the box?"

Little Hannah says, "Kittens. They're brand new kittens."

Bush laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"

"Republicans," says Little Hannah.

"Oh that's cute," he says and goes on his way. A few days later, George Bush is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spies Little Hannah with her box just ahead.

He says to Cheney, "You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to Little Hannah.

Bush says, "Look in the box, Dick, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are."

Little Hannah replies, "They're Democrats."

"Whoa!" Bush says, "I came by here the other day, and you said they were Republicans. What's up?"

"Well," Little Hannah explains, "their eyes are open now."

The Earring submitted 05/06/04

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

Top 40 Things You'll Never Hear A Redneck Say submitted 04/29/04

40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

38. Duct tape won't fix that.

37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.

36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

35. We don't keep firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can't feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

30. Wrestling's fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We're vegetarians.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. Honey, we don't need another dog.

24. Who cares who won the Civil War?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

15. I've got it all on the C drive.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

9. Checkmate.

8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

5. I don't have a favorite college team.

4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

3. You All.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darlin'.

1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin’ tonight.

Two-minute management course submitted 4/22/04
Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson - Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lessons Three, Four and Five
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lessons -

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your two-minute management course.

The Ol' Swmming Hole submitted 4/12/04

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked." "I only came to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and inexperience.

MEN STRIKE BACK submitted 4/8/04

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

CONVERSION UNITS submitted 3/29/04

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter? = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash? = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement? = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God? = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour? = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone? = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine? = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches? = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis? = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes? = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers? = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones? = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles? = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days? = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds? = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards? = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs? = 1 Fig Newton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks? = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish? = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins? = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations? = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations? = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms? = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels? = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital? = 1 IV League

27. 100 Senators? = Not 1 decision

Sarcasm at its finest, enjoy! Submitted 3/24/04
1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
2. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
3. started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
4. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
7. You!... Off my planet!
8. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
9. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
10. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
11. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
12. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
13. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
14. Allow me to introduce my selves.
15. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
16. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
17. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
19. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
19. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
21. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
22. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
23. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
24. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
25. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
26. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
27. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
28. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
29. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
30. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
31. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
32. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
33. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
34. I plead contemporary insanity.
35. And which dwarf are you?
36. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
37. Meandering to a different drummer.
38. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
30. "I can only be nice to one person a day and today isn't your
day...tomorrow doesn't look good either."

Top 10 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love submitted 3/18/04
10. "Ahhh! Yoda's little friend you seek!"
9. "Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must."
8. "Feel the force!"
7. "Foreplay, cuddling-a Jedi craves not these things."
6. "Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!"
5. "Do me or do me not-there is no try."
4. "Early must I rise. Leave now you must!"
3. "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?"
2. "Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!"
1. "Who's your Jedi master? WHO'S your Jedi Master?"

Speeding Senior submitted 3/11/04

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind Blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren Blaring.

I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he gunned it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

GEORGE CARLIN STRIKES AGAIN submitted 2/29/04

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

3. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths: a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,and dry cleaners depressed?

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for their final exam.

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

24. Why doesn't the National Weather Service issue "large-craft warnings?"

CREATION 101 submitted 2/25/04

God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

The dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years."

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so...

Idiots submitted 2/19/04

IDIOTS IN SERVICE This week, My phone went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. I asked him, "Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?"

IDIOTS AT WORK: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? " He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

IDIOT SIGHTING I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

Zen computer screen error messages submitted 2/11/04

The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.

Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.

Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.

Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.

A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.

Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred?

You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.

Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.

Having been erased, The document you're seeking must now be retyped.

Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.

Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

True Medical Record Blunders submitted 2/05/04

The skin was moist and dry.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

She is numb from her toes down.

The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

Technology Idiots submitted 01/29/04

I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppydrive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax machine?" 2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?" 1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened." 2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?" 1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. "Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"\ Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

A friend has been doing temp work at various offices. At one place she became the resident expert on the photocopy machine. One day there was a big backup. She went over to help and found that no one knew how to stop the copier from "punching" three holes down the side of each copy. She opened the paper tray, removed the three-hole paper and solved the problem.

Bricklayer's Accident submitted 01/22/04

Possibly the funniest story in a while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This story is true. Had he died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure ....

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry."

IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE submitted 01/17/04

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century.A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued...and won!In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.ONLY IN AMERICA!!! NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUTS!!!

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hot line......" submitted 1/07/04

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press..

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep......Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess something up.

THE NEW ABRIDGED MEDICAL DICTIONARY submitted 12/29/03

BARIUM: What doctors do when patients die.

COLIC: A sheep dog.

D&C: Where George W. Bush lives.

DILATE: To live longer.

FESTER: Quicker.

HANGNAIL: Coat hook.

IMPOTENT: Distinguished, well known.

LABOR PAIN: Get hurt at work.

MEDICAL STAFF: A doctor's cane.

MORBID: A higher offer.

NITRATES: Cheaper than day rates.

NODE: Was aware of.

OUTPATIENT: A patient who fainted.

PAP SMEAR: A fatherhood test.

PELVIS: Cousin to Elvis.

RECOVERY ROOM: A place to do upholstery.

RECTUM: Dang near killed 'em.

TERMINAL ILLNESS: Getting sick at the airport or at your computer.

TUMOR: More than one.

URINE: Opposite of "You're out".

Is English Confusing? submitted 12/25/03

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Some other reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For example...If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the bough on a tree!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. Why do you park your car on the driveway and drive on the parkway? If Dad is Pop, how's come Mom isn't Mop? Enough!!!!

Slow Down or Stop? submitted 12/21/03

A guy runs a stop sign and gets caught by a policeman.

Cop says, "License and registration, please."

Guy says, "What for?"

Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Guy says, "What's the difference?"

Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, PLEASE!"

Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration."

Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the crap out of the guy and says,

"Do you want me to slow down or stop?"

EMPLOYEE EVALUATIONS submitted 12/11/03
These quotes were taken from actual performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

4. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

11. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better." These are actual lines from military performance appraisals or OERs (Officer Efficiency Reports).

12. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

13. A room temperature IQ.

14. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

15. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

16. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

17. One-celled organisms out-score him in IQ tests.

18. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.

19. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

20. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

21. He's so dense, light bends around him.

22. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

23. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

24. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

25. One neuron short of a synapse.

26. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

27 Takes him 1 + hours to watch 60 minutes.

28. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead

KIDS' LITTLE INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE submitted 11/29/98

Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. Matthew, Age 12

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. Stephanie, Age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Rosemary, Age 7

Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower. Lamar, Age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes. Carrol, Age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom. Nicholas, Age 11

Don't ever be too full for dessert. Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer > him. Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, Age 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, Age 12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. Alyesha, Age 13

Never try to baptize a cat. Laura, Age 13

Never spit when on a roller coaster. Scott, Age 11

Never do pranks at a police station. Sam, Age 10

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving. Rob, Age 10

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what Your > mom told you to do. Hank, Age 12

Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. Chelsey, Age 7

Stay away from prunes. Randy, Age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. Phillip, Age 13

Forget the cake, go for the icing. Cynthia, Age 8

Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and grandma's house. Joanne, Age 11

Medical Trancriptions no-nos submitted 11/19/03

TO: Medical Personnel FROM: Human Resource

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

Trauma patients are not FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper". Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."

HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."

Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."

Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."

The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen", nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge".

And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), or NLPR (no longer playing records).

Sure signs that it's going to be a bad day. submitted 11/14/03

You wake up face down on the pavement.

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

You see a '60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You want to put the clothes on you wore home from the party but find there aren't any.

Your twin brother forgot your birthday.

You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes from the city.

Your car horn accidentally goes off and remains stuck as you followa group of Hells Angels along a deserted highway.

You wake to discover your waterbed has sprung a leak and then realize you don't have a waterbed.

Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

You call your answering service and you're told to mind your own business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

Your tax refund check bounces.

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

Your pet rock snaps at you.

Your wife says "Good Morning, Bill" and your name is George.

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... submitted 09/07/03

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

The Farmer and the Salesman submitted 10/29/03

A wise old farmer went to town to buy a new pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price.

After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they set down to do the paperwork.

The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared This isn't the price I saw!".

The salesman went on to tell the old wise farmer how he was getting extras such as power steering,

power brakes, power windows, special tires, etc. and that was what took the price up.

The farmer, needing the truck badly, paid the price and went home.

A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?"

The farmer replied, "Yes, I have a few cows I would sell for $500 apiece, Come and look at them and take your pick".

The salesman said he and his son would be right out .

After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.

The farmer said "Now wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow, you're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too".

"What extras?" asked the salesman. Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow,,,,,,,,,,

BASIC COW....................500.00

Two-tone exterior................45.00

Extra stomach.....................75.00

Product storing equipment...60.00

Straw compartment...........120.00

4 spigots @$10 ea..............40.00

Leather upholstery.............125.00

Dual horns..........................45.00

Automatic fly swatter .........38.00

Fertilizer attachment..........185.00

GRAND TOTAL....... $1,233.00

Men's Rules submitted - 10/16/03

Men's rules We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it is up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It is like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor!

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say, during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine....Really!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many pairs of shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS RELOOK submitted - 10/6/03

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

11. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

12. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "June flower."

13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

16. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.

17. Despite the cost of living, it remains so popular?

18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.

20. Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

23. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.

25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

29. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

32. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

33. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

36. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ladies vs Real Women submitted 09/28/04
Ladies: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant fix-me-up". Real Woman: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me,

"The Real Women's" motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

******************
Ladies: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Woman: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

**********
Ladies: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Real Woman: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

**********
Ladies: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Real Woman: Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

*********
Ladies: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Real Woman: Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.

**********
Ladies: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Real Woman: Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.

**********
Ladies: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Real Woman: Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.

**********
And finally the most important tip.... Ladies: Don! 't! throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Woman: Leftover wine??

**********
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Man...that was fun!"

Something's Brewing - submitted 09/26/03

- A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long for us to get our coffee".

The husband quickly responded, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, plus I have no problem waiting for my coffee".

"No you should do it, and besides it states in the Bible that the man should make the coffee." the wife explained.

"I can't believe that, show me." demanded the husband. So she grabbed the Bible, opened up the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, were it said ... "HEBREWS"

I wish I'd never said it!l submitted 09/17/03

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX

An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. Kathy Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC

I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera! Name Withheld (go figure)

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who worked at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, M.

Nuts about You My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter. Amy Richardson,Stafford, Virginia

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?" Diane E. Amov Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled s omething funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter who was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An elderly couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

The Washington Post's Style Invitational submitted 09/10/03
The WP once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.Ê Here are this year's winners:

Intaxication (n.): Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation (n.): Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy (n.): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti (n.): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm (n.): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte (v.t.): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis (n.): Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis (n.): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon (n.): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido (n.): All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect (n.): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

Ignoranus (n.): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.