WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? submitted 07/14/05

POLICE DEPARTMENT : Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

RICHARD M. NIXON : The chicken did not cross the road. : I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. : I don't know any chickens. : I've never known any chickens.

DR. SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? : Did he cross it with a toad? : Yes! the chicken crossed the road, : but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY : To die, in the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING,JR. : I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads, without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA : In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road;

KARL MARX : It was an historical inevitablity:

SADDAM HUSSEIN : This was an unprovoked act of rebellion.....we are quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REGAN : What chicken? I don't remember any chicken

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK : To go boldly where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER : You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

The Bible : and god came down from heavens and he said onto the chicken, "Thou shall cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FREUD : The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity

BILL GATES : I have just released chicken coop 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your importain documents, and balance your check book; and explorer is an inextricable part of the chicken coop 98 operating system.

EINSTEIN : Did the chicken really cross the road---------or, did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON : I did NOT cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? : Could you define chicken please?

COLONEL SANDERS : I missed one????

Old Farmer's Advice submitted 07/08/05

1. Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
2. Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
3. Keep skunks, bankers and lawyers at a distance.
4. Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
5. A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
6. Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
7. Meanness don't jest happen overnight.
8. Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
9. Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
10. It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
11. You cannot unsay a cruel word.
12. Every path has a few puddles.
13. When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
14. The best sermons are lived, not preached.
15. Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
16. Don't judge folks by their relatives.
17. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
18. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
19. Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
20. Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
21. The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm, 'cause the colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
22. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
23. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
24. Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
25. The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every mornin'.
26. Always drink upstream from the herd.
27. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
28. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
29. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
30. Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.

Do you take life too seriously? submitted 06/28/05

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like . . . night.
3. On the other hand . . . you have different fingers.
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
12. I intend to live forever--so far so good.
13. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
14. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
15. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
16. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and > going the wrong way.
17. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
18. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
19. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
20. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
21. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
22. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
23. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
24. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
25. Change is inevitable . . . except from vending machines.
26. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
27. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
28. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
29. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
30. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF... submitted 06/23/05
1. Instead of referring to two or more people as "Y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
2. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
3. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY.
4. You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the side of the road. (e.g., boiled peanuts).
5. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
6. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits.
7. You don't know what a moon pie is.
8. You've never had an RC Cola.
9. You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled.
10. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
11. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
12. You have no idea what a polecat is.
13. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog.
14. You don't have bangs.
15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show
16. You drink either "Pop" or "Soda"- instead of "Cokes."
17. You've never eaten and don't know how to make a tomato sandwich.
18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-'n-knife show.
19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
20. You don't even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
21. The last time you smiled was when you blocked someone from getting on an on-ramp to the highway.
22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
23. You have more than one professional sports team in your home state.
24. You call binoculars opera glasses.
25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
26. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice)
27. You don't know any women with male names (i.e., Tommie, Bobbie, Johnnie, Jimmie)
28. You don't have Maw-maw's & Pawpaw's.
29. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
30. None of your fur coats are homemade.

I saved her - oops! submitted 6/15/05
A Bentonville (home of Walmart) man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to Fayetteville, AR I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. In my best, authoritative, Sam Walton voice I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. " I yelled, "Now, back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" "Just a couple minutes ago," was the reply.

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE submitted 06/10/05

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no." Then they said all patrols were busy, he should simply lock his door, and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them."

George said, "I thought you said nobody was available!"

A better future submitted 5/29/05

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Ave, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same US Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

Twenty Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity submitted 5/24/05

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"

7. Finish all Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8 dont use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity....... 20. Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. It's Called Therapy.

Over 40 Fashions submitted 5/18/05

Many of us those over 40, Way over 40, or hovering near 40 are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions.

Guidelines: Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedo's and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

12. Inline skates and a walker

And last, but not least . . . my personal favorite:

13. Thongs and Depends

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

Too much thinking submitted 5/13/05

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- to loosen up.Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss.

"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors...They didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.

"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today, I registered to vote as a Republican ...

MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH submitted 5/06/05

Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade named: BOOK

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.

Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire—yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works:

BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.

BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session—even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOK markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

ESPECIALLY ON Friday There is a new virus. submitted 04/28/05

The code name is WORK.

If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances.

This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your system.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life. If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry. I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive so I'm headed for the bar anyway.....it never hurts to be safe.

Dearest Redneck Son, submitted 4/21/05

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened. Your Favorite Aunt, Mom

Neologisms submitted 04/14/05

ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Docs and Guns submitted 04/05/05

DOCTORS: (A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000. (B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000. (C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health Human Services. GUNS: (A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. Yes, that is 80 million. (B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups is 1,500. (C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188.

MATH:

.171/.000188 = 909

Statistically, doctors are approximately 900 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand.

Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for the fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.

Things My Mother Taught Me submitted 03/31/05

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18 My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Car Thief? submitted 03/25/05

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly the light turned yellow. Just in front him was a crosswalk, so he did the right thing--he stopped at the crosswalk even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof and the horn. She screamed because she had missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window. She looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, however, a policeman approached the cell door and opened it. He escorted her back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

As he handed her possessions to her, he said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noted your "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you were driving a stolen car.

Signs on Trucks submitted 03/16/05

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr Jones, at your cervix."

At a Proctologist's door "To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

At a Propane Filling Station, "Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

Bob Hope submitted 03/08/05

ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only down hill."

ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100 "I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."

ON SAILORS "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'"

ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, "Congratulations, You have an eight-pound ham."

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

The Point system submitted 12/28/04

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: "Make the woman happy". Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played!

Here's a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her Spring-Fresh Extra-Light Panty Liners with Wings (+ 1) ...but return with beer (-5)
You check out suspicious noise at night (0) ...and it's nothing (0) .....and it's something (+5) ......you pummel it with a six iron (+10) .........it's her father (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2) ...named Tiffany (-4) ......Tiffany is a dancer (-6) .........Tiffany has implants (-8)
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly (+1)
When mingling, you introduce her as "the old ball and chain" and pat her on the rump (-5)
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she's attractive, you say "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you" (+1) ...you say "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed." (-6) ......that woman is her sister (-90)
You have one drink and that's it (0)
You have more than a few drinks and perform the tango with a poodle (-2)
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted (-18)

SATURDAY AFTERNOON
You go to the mall together (+3)
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car (+4)
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar (-2)
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it (+3)
You spend the day shopping for furniture and nap on a sectional (0)
You spend the day at a wholesale club buying in bulk (+3) ...most of it chips and beer (-6) You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den (+15) ...or refinishing the floors (+16) ...or rewiring the basement (+17) ...or adding a second floor (+18) .....or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket (-6) .......and you're tickled pink about it (-15)
You visit her parents (0)
You visit her parents and actually make conversation (+3)
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the TV (-3) ...and the TV is off (-6)
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear (-6) ...and you didn't even go to college (-10) ......and it's not your underwear (-15)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1) ...okay, it is a sports bar (-2) ......and it's "all-you-can-eat" night (-3) .........and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)
You go to a nice pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player, and get up and sing (+4) ...if you stink (+2) ...if you're not half bad (+5) ...if you sing a Barry Manilow song and are escorted out to much applause (-2)
You give her a gift (0) ...it's a small appliance (-10) ...it's not a small appliance (+1) ...it's not chocolate (+2) ...it's something you'll be paying off for months (+30)
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day (-10) ...with her credit card (-30) ...and it's two sizes too big (-40)

THOUGHTFULNESS
You forget her birthday completely (-120)
You forget your anniversary (-30)
You forget to pick her up at the bus station (-45) ...which is in Newark, New Jersey (-50) ......and the pouring rain completely dissolves her leg cast (-60)

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go out with a pal (-5) ...and the pal is happily married (-4) .....and the pal is frighteningly single (-7) .......and he drives a Mustang (-10) .........with a personalized license plate "GR8 N BED" (-15)
You have a few beers (-9) ...and miss curfew by an hour (-12) ......and you didn't call (-20)
You get home at 3 am (-30) ...smelling of booze and cheap cigars (-40) ........and not wearing any pants (-50) .........is that a tattoo?!? (-200)

HER NIGHT OUT
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friends from work (+5)
She goes out with her annoying friends from work and she comes home late (+10) ...you wait up (+15)
She comes home late and drunk and you put her to bed (+20)

A NIGHT OUT TOGETHER
You take her to a movie (+2) ...a movie she likes (+4) ...a movie you hate (+6) .....a movie you like (-6) .......it's called "DeathCop 3" (-3) .........which features cyborgs having sex (-9) ............you lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

A NIGHT AT HOME
You watch TV together (0)
You rent a movie (+2) ...it's "Sense and Sensibility" (+3) ...you stay awake throughout (+5) .....you fall asleep (-1) ........you fall asleep and drool (-2)

FLOWERS
You buy her flowers only when it's expected (0)
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the heck of it (+20)
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself (+30) ...and she contracts Lyme disease (-25)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15) ...and exercise to get rid of it (+10) .....and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-5)

FINANCES
You spend a lot of money on something impractical (-5) ...something she can't use (-10) ......such as a motorized model airplane (-20) .........and she got a small appliance for her birthday (-40)

DRIVING
You lost the directions on a trip (-4) ...and end up getting lost (-10) ......in a bad part of town (-15) .........and meet the locals up-close and personal (-25) ............and you know them (-60)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)

COMMUNICATION
When she talks about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen for over 30 minutes (+5) ...without looking at the TV (+10) .....she realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-20)

BUREAUCRATS submitted 3/01/05
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U. S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U. S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.

The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana.

He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope ... you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our ... loan?"

They got it.

15 Ways to Cope With Stress submitted 2/24/05

1. Fill out every credit card application and magazine subscription you get and have them bill you later.

2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.

3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.

5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.

6. Do your assignments in binary code.

7. Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.

8. Fill-out your tax form using Roman Numerals.

9. Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.

10. Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.

11. Write a short story using alphabet soup.

12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.

13. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.

15. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.

Employer's Lingo submitted 2/18/05

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Expressions For High Stress Days: submitted 02/011/05

1. You - Off my planet.

2. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

3. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

4. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

5. I'm not crazy; I've just been in a very bad mood--for 30 years.

6. Allow me to introduce my selves.

7. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

8. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

9. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.

10. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

11. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.

12. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

13. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

14. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

16. You say I'm a witch - like it's a bad thing.

17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

19. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.

20. Earth is full. Go home.

21. Is it time for your medication or mine?

22. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

23. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. The dead might as well try to speak to the living as the old to the young.

Computer Gender submitted 02/01/05
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "house" for instance, is feminine; i.e., "La casa". "Pencil" however is masculine; i.e., "el lapiz".

A student asked, What gender is "computer"?

Instead of giving the answer the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for it recommendations.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer") because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is impossible to understand.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

( No chuckling guys, this gets better!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computer"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem and ;

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

He Said/She Said submitted 01/27/05

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said .. . . You wear pants don't you?

He said ... . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

On a wall in a ladies room . .. . "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it . .. . " I do not"

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q.. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

Brain Cramps submitted 01/20/05

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH)

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca

"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP (damn he's smart)

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Nine things that make me mad - submitted 01/14/05

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". What good is a cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

4. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dummy, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the freaking ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

6. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!

7. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

8. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know jerk, you pulled me over.

Useful phrases you can use at work submitted 01/06/05

1. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself (Tuesdays and Saturdays)

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think you're wrong.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

25. Who me? I just wander from room to room

26. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

27. It might look like I'm doing nothing but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

28. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

29. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.