KIDS' LITTLE INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE 12/19/98

Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. Matthew, Age 12

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. Stephanie, Age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Rosemary, Age 7

Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower. Lamar, Age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes. Carrol, Age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom. Nicholas, Age 11

Don't ever be too full for dessert. Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer > him. Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, Age 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, Age 12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. Alyesha, Age 13

Never try to baptize a cat. Laura, Age 13

Never spit when on a roller coaster. Scott, Age 11

Never do pranks at a police station. Sam, Age 10

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving. Rob, Age 10

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what Your > mom told you to do. Hank, Age 12

Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. Chelsey, Age 7

Stay away from prunes. Randy, Age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. Phillip, Age 13

Forget the cake, go for the icing. Cynthia, Age 8

Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and grandma's house. Joanne, Age 11

Sure signs that it's going to be a bad day. 12/12/98
You wake up face down on the pavement.

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

You see a '60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You want to put the clothes on you wore home from the party but find there aren't any.

Your twin brother forgot your birthday.

You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes from the city.

Your car horn accidentally goes off and remains stuck as you followa group of Hells Angels along a deserted highway.

You wake to discover your waterbed has sprung a leak and then realize you don't have a waterbed.

Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

You call your answering service and you're told to mind your own business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

Your tax refund check bounces.

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

Your pet rock snaps at you.

Your wife says "Good Morning, Bill" and your name is George.

Age is a funny thing. 12/6/98
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm 4 and half." You're never 36 and a half, but you're 4 and a half going on 5! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21. Even the words sounds like a ceremony--you BECOME 21. YES!!!!

But then you turn 30. Ooohhh, what happened here?? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED. We had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's wrong?? What changed???

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40...stay over there, it's all slipping away...

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50...my dreams are gone...

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 and then you MAKE IT to 60...Whew! I didn't think I'd make it.

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, You're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60, and by then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70!

After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday, you get into your 80s, you HIT lunch. I mean my grandmother won't even buy green bananas, "Well it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one." And it doesn't end there...

Into the 90's, you start going backwards: I was JUST 92. Then a strange thing happens, if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again: I'm 100 and a half!! Age is a funny thing.

Lawyers
What do lawyers use for birth control? * Their personalities.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? * A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? * To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? * Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? * There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? * A Doberman.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? * If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common? * One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? * They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer's creed: * A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? * Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? * Skeet.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? * Chelsea Clinton

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him? * It might be your bicycle.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? * The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) * ...... I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? * You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? * He gets taller.

EMPLOYEE EVALUATIONS

These quotes were taken from actual performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

4. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

11. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."

These are actual lines from military performance appraisals or OERs (Officer Efficiency Reports).

12. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

13. A room temperature IQ.

14. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

15. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

16. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

17. One-celled organisms out-score him in IQ tests.

18. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.

19. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

20. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

21. He's so dense, light bends around him.

22. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

23. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

24. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

25. One neuron short of a synapse.

26. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

27 Takes him 1 + hours to watch 60 minutes.

28. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead

Words of Wisdom

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

6. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

7. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time you need them, chances are you won't be needing them again.

8. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

9. My reality check bounced.

10. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

11. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

12. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

25 things I have learned in 50 years (by Dave Barry) submitted by Lynn Weinstein 11/7/98

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

6. A penny saved is worthless.

7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.

8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.

14. Nobody is normal.

15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that: * The universe is even bigger than they thought! * There are even more subatomic particles than they thought! * Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: * If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father. * If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical. * If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability. * If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.

19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

20. You should not confuse your career with your life.

21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

24. Your friends love you anyway.

25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Strange Facts

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30 feet.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

Polar bears are left handed.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animals having the most taste buds.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (thankfully)

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

Starfishes haven't got brains.

After reading all these, all I can say is....Lucky Pig

Aging Humor

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?

If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half."

You're never 36 and a half....you're four and a half going on 5.

You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. Eventually.

Then the great day of your life; you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. You BECOME 21....Yes!!!!!

Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. What's wrong? What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30.

Then you're PUSHING 40....stay over there. You REACH 50.

You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You're PUSHING 40; you REACH 50; then you MAKE IT to 60.

By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70. After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday...

You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. My Grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one."

And it doesn't end there....

Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half."

Happy aging!

More Healines

1. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
2. Stud Tires Out
4. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
5. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
6. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
7. War Dims Hope for Peace
8. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
9. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
10. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
12. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
15. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
21. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
24. Air Head Fired
25. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
26. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

Are you a "real" man?

Note: All "real men" answer "C" to multiple choice qestions. Know this, and you will have come far in understanding men and enriching your own life.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: A. Present it to the President of the United States. B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations. C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?
A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: (1) He is legally within the base path, (2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

5. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: A. A cat. B. A dog. C. A dog that eats cats.

6. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy - you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers - when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

7. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows, the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

8. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"

9. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody - and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife - is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

11. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control

Why Oh Why?

1. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

2. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

3. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

4. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

5. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

6. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

7. Why is the alphabet in that order?

8. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

9. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? (I've tried it, it doesn't work)

10. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

11. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

12. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

13..If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

14. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

15. Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

16. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Continuing Education Courses For Women

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday.

4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.

6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.

8. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .

9. Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.

10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.

11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.

12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.

13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.

14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

15. Introduction to Parking.

16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.

17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.

18. Water retention: Fact or Fat.

19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.

20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.

21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.

22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.

23. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His.

24. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.

25. Sex-It's For Married Couples Too.

26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.

27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.

28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.

29. Ballet: For Women Only.

30. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.

31. Learning to Go in Public Restrooms.

32. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges.

33. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?"-Why Men Lie.

34. TV Remotes: For Men Only.

PEOPLE WHO SHOULD BE PHASED OUT by George Carlin for 9/20 submitted by anonymous

Guys who always harmonize the last few notes of "Happy Birthday."

People over 40 who can't put on reading glasses without making self-conscious remarks about their advancing age.

Guys who wink when their kidding.

Men who propose marriage on the giant TV screen at a sports stadium.

Guys in their fifties who flash me the peace sign and really mean it.

People with a small patch of natural white hair who thinks it makes them look interesting.

Guys with creases in their jeans.

People who know a lot of prayers by heart.

A celebrity couple who adopt a Third-World baby and call it Rain Forest.

Guys who wear suits all day and think an earring makes them cool at night.

Old people who tell me what the weather used to be where they used to live.

Men who have one long, uninterrupted eyebrow.

Guys who wink and give me the peace sign simultaneously.

People who say, "Knock knock," when entering a room and, "Beep beep," when someone is in their path.

Fat guys who laugh at everything.

People who have memorized a lot of TV-show theme songs and are really proud of it.

Women who think it's really cute to have first names consisting solely of initials.

People who give their house or car a name.

People who give their genitals a name.

Guys who can juggle, but only a little bit.

Actors who drive race cars.

Men who wear loafers without socks. Especially if they have creases in their jeans.

Athletes and coaches who give more than a hundred percent.

Guys who still smell like their soap in the late afternoon.

Guys who wear watches on the inside of their wrists.

Any man who wears a suit and tie to a ballgame.

Guys who flash me the thumbs-up sign. Especially if they're winking and making the peace sign with the other hand.

Murphy's Law..... revisited submitted by anonymous

1. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

2. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

3. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

4. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

5. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

6. Money can't buy happiness. But, it sure makes misery easier to live with.

7. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

8. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.

11. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

12. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

13. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

14. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

15. Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.

16. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

18. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

19. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

22. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

23. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

24. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

25. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

26. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

27. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

28. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

29. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

30. Change is inevitable...except from vending machines.

31. Don't sweat petty things...or pet sweaty things.

32. Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.

33. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

34. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

35. Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

Die Laughing submitted by anonymous

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb? She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam".

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frosbite.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.

What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him.

Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.

Things we have learned from the movies submitted by anonymous

1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.

2. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

3. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

4. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

5. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

6. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

7. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

8. Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

9. If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.

10. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

11. A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.

12. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts when they're going to go off.

13. When in love, it is customary to burst into song.

14. When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

15. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.

16. Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.

17. If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.

18. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

19. Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations - even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.

20. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings -- especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.

21. All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.

22. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.

23. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

24. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

25. You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow tie.

26. When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.

27. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

28. Having a job of any kind will make fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

29. The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.

30. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets which reach up to armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

31. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

32. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

33. Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.

34. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

35. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

36. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

37. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

38. Should you decide to defuse a bomb don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

39. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

40. Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are likely to become prostitutes or welders.

41. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

42. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

43. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their total opposite.

44. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

45. Radiation causes interesting mutations - not to your future children but to you, right there and then.

46. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

47. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

Top 11 Entries in Bill Gates's Diary submitted 8/19/98 by Maria Laangmack

1. Invited entire tech-support department to play golf. Brought Melissa to complete the foursome.

2. Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but he doesn't do windows -- yet.

3. The baby cries constantly. Maybe I'll buy Fisher-Price.

4. Bought my first Macintosh. It's sooooo cute!

5. Good day. Found over 15 bucks' worth of soda cans in the trash bins outside Microsoft headquarters.

6. Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hit men I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole.

7. Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes!

8. Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days!

9. Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes.

10. Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billion dollars.

11. Seventh day: rested.

What's the difference between a man and ET? (ET phoned home).

What's the difference between a man and a government bond? (Bonds mature).

What did God say after creating man? ("I can do better").

What do beer bottles and men have in common? (Both empty from the neck up)

What do you call a man with half a brain? (Gifted).

How can you tell if a man is happy? (Who cares?).

What does a man consider a 7-course meal? (A hot dog and a six-pack).

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? (1.No mind. 2. No business).

Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease? (Because they are all pigs).

Why do men float? (Because they are scum).

A magician was working on a grand sailing ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician could do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week, and figured out how the magician did every trick. Once he knew, he started shouting in the middle of every show:

"Look! It's not the same hat."

"Look! He's hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician hated this, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship's boiler exploded, and sank the ship. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with disdain, but didn't utter a word. This went on for days.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

Additional warnings the FDA is considering for beer and Alcohol bottles - submitted 7/28/98 by Maria Laangmack

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-boy/girlfriends are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".

Little known facts submitted 7/24/98 by Stephen Royce, Cannes France

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has >memorized all 158 verses.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

The average secretary's left hand does 56% of the typing.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.

All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or >purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5.00 bill

Almonds are members of the peach family.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la

Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula". And can be abbreviated to 3.63% >of its size, "L.A."

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.

When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's A Wonderful Life"

A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Paul Reiser himself.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of Drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society: submitted 6/24/98 by anonymous

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

HODGEAGRA - These pills will give you an even greater hunger for humor.

These were from a Washington Post contest. Children's Books You Will Never See: submitted 7/10/98 by Maria Langmmack

"You Were an Accident" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon; Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

"Strangers Have the Best Candy" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

"Some Kittens Can Fly!" (David Genser, Arlington)

"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face" (Thomas Drucker, Carlisle, Pa.)

"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?" (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

"Where's Godot?" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

"Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her" (David Genser, Arlington)

"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!" (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking" (Joseph Romm, Washington)

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It" (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia" (John Kammer, Herndon)

"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?" (Martin Keutel, Alexandria)

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver" (Russ Beland, Springfield)

"You Are Different and That's Bad" (Christopher Richard, Springfield)

Fast Car submitted 7/2/98 by John Suykerbyk
A hip young man goes out and buys the most exotic car available: a 1999, Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?". The young man replies, "A 1999 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000." "That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why so much?" "Because this car can do 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner. So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Then, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?" the young man wonders. Then, ahead of him, he sees the dot coming back toward him again. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading in the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep?" Again, he sees the dot coming up fast in his rearview mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and sure enough, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man groans and replies, "Well, you can start by unhooking my suspenders from your side mirror!"

ACTUAL answers given by contestants on the TV game show, "The Family Feud" submitted 6/24/98 by anonymous

Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon

Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell

Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar

Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde

Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse

Name something that floats in the bath - Water

Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair

Name something Red - My cardigan

Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers

Name a famous royal - Mail

A number you have to memorize - 7

Something you do before going to bed - Sleep

Something you put on walls - Roofs

Something in the garden that's green - Shed

Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings

Something you might be allergic to - Skiing

Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters

Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet

Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate

Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog

Something associated with the police - Pigs

A sign of the zodiac - April

Something slippery - A conman

A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish

A food that can be brown or white - Potato

A jacket potato topping - Jam

A famous Scotsman - Jock

Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones

Something with a hole in it - Window

A non-living object with legs - Plant

A domestic animal - Leopard

A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee

A way of cooking fish - Cod

The best real headlines of 1997 submitted 6/18/98 by anonymous

INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN WHEN BAKING COOKIES

SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH SAYS EXPERT

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS

SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED

DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS

THERAPY HELPS TORTURE VICTIMS

IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE

PANDA MATING FAILS: VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER

LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS

EYE DROPS OFF SHELF

ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AXE

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT

STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE

TWO SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS IN CHECKOUT LINE

KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN TEN YEARS

IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY IT MAY LAST AWHILE

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

DEER KILL 17,000

ENFIELD COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE

RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGES

TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD

MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING FACES BATTERY CHARGE

NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP

ASTRONAUTS TAKE BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT

KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS

CHEF THROWS HIS HEART INTO HELPING FEED NEEDY

ARSON SUSPECT HELD IN MASSACHUSETTS FIRE

BAN ON SOLICITING DEAD IN TROTWOOD

LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF

NEW VACCINE MAY CONTAIN RABIES

HOSPITALS SUED BY SEVEN FOOT DOCTORS

STRAY DOG GETS LUCKY WITH CITY COUPLE

Stray Thoughts Or Deep Thoughts? submitted 6/11/98 by Arline Johnson

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

How much faith does it take to be an atheist?

I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?

Too Stupid submitted 6/3/98 by Maria Langmaack

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"....... Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?" "Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outrage."

"A power... A power outrage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too damn stupid to own a computer."