Frequently Asked Questions of Etch-a-Sketch Technical Support submitted 5/27/98 ny Maria Langmaack

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

Mars and Venus submitted 5/20/98

RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR: You know that book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well, here's a prime example of that: This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca - last name deleted and Gary - last name deleted. English 44A SMU, Creative Writing Prof. Miller In-class Assignment for Wednesday" Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

----------------------------------------------------------- STORY: At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

----------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

---------------------------------------------------------- He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

--------------------------------------------------------- Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conence table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"

---------------------------------------------------------- This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

---------------------------------------------------------- Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins submitted 5/12/98 by Robert Christin

Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and desserts will be served for a nominal feel.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge---Up Yours."

This evening at 7pm, there will be a sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

More resume and cover letter Blunders submitted 5/9/98

1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."

2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."

3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

4. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."

5. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."

8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."

9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."

10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."

13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."

15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."

16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."

18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."

19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."

20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."

23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."

24."The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."

25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."

26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

"WHY MEN CAN'T WIN" submitted 4/29/98 by Maria Langmaack

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you are a wimp.
If you don't, you are an insensitive jerk.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated a woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.
If you don't, you are unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
If you don't, you are a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you are after something.
If you don't, you are not thoughtful.

If you are proud of your achievements, you are up on yourself.
If you aren't, you are not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she is tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

How to Catch an Elephant submitted 4/23/98 by Maria Langmaack
MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.

PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A: 1. Go to Africa. 2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope. 3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west. 4. During each traverse pass, a. Catch each animal seen. b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant. c. Stop when a match is detected.

EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a non-prehunted elephant, the staff will (1) compliment the vice presidents keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

Jokes From Comedians... submitted 4/8/98

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, >'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should >hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' " >-Larry Miller

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" >-Marilyn Pittman

"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?" >--Robin Williams

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should >treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be >severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." >--Bob Ettinger

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." >--Ellen DeGeneres

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any >witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." >--Jake Johansen

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." >--Dick Cavett

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." >--A. Whitney Brown

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has >spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart >everybody?" >--Jon Stewart

"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't >trying to teach you how to swim.' " >--Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly >in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" >-Warren Hutcherson

I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the >Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be >like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache." >--Jack Mayberry

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" >--John Mendoza

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." >--Conan O'Brien

"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other." >--Rita Rudner

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." >--Bruce Baum

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from >animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." >--Jeff Stilson

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." > --Sue Murphy

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three >best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." >--Rita Mae Brown

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else." >--Lily Tomlin Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" >--Rita Rudner

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." >--Jerry Seinfeld

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." >--David Letterman

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and >Gomorrah an apology." >-Jay Leno

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." >--Lily Tomlin

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' " >--Jerry Seinfeld

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow >learner." >--Lynda Montgomery

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." >--Johnny Carson

>"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?" >--Lily Tomlin

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' "

You know you are getting old when... submitted 4/2/98 by Maria Langmaack

1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

2. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

3. Your back goes out more than you do.

4. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

5. You buy a compass for the dash of your car

6. You are proud of your lawn mower.

7. Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.

8. You call Olan Mills before they call you.

9. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

10. You sing along with the elevator music.

11. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

12. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. 1

3. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

14. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

15. You make an appointment to see the dentist.

16. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

17. Neighbors borrow your tools.

18. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"

19. You have a dream about prunes.

20. You answer a question with, "because I said so!"

21. You send money to PBS.

22. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

23. You take a metal detector to the beach.

24. You wear black socks with sandals.

25. You know what the word "equity" means.

26. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

27. Your ears are hairier than your head.

28. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

29. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

30. You got cable for the weather channel. ("Old Folks' MTV)

31. You can go bowling without drinking.

32. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

33. Little kids call you Mr. or Ma'am.

A magazine ran a Dilbert quotes contest. These are actual quotes from managers out there:

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.

(This was the >winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems.)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?

4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.

5. Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people.

6. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.

7. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.

8. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been >working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.

You are an Internet Addict when... submitted 3/25/98 by

1.) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

2.) You step out of your room and realize that your parents have > moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.

3.) Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.

4.) Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.

5.) You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

6.) You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"

7.) Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.

8.) You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

9.) Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you > of what she looks like.

10.) All of your friends have an @ in their names.

11.) When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

12.) Your dog has its own home page.

13.) You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.

14.) You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

15.) Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.

16.) You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

17.) You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

18.) Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.

19.) You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

20.) You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.

21.) You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

22.) Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

23.) You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."

24.) You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.

25.) The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.

26.) You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

27.) Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

28.) As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

25 Reasons why alcohol should be served at work - submitted 3/19/98 by David Pearson

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.

19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.

22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.

23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

Real Stories of the non-technically inclined - submitted 3/9/98

I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.
1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it."

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote'thingy,'"she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now." Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies

I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents.

One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said,"You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied,"You mean the letter "i"?" and he said,"Yeah, that's it!"

This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to just cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway... rolling back and forth.

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like it had been an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"

ACTUAL RESUME BLUNDERS - submitted by Hugh Moore 3/4/98

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am a rabid typist."

"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."

"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."

"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."

"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."

"Qualifications: No education or experience."

"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

ACTUAL QUOTES FROM 11-YEAR-OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS - submitted 2/28/98 by Hugh Moore

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.

A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception.

Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

Liter: A nest of young puppies.

Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky. * Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.

For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration.

For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

To prevent contraception: wear a condominium. * For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.

Thoughts......submitted by Dave Pearson 2/21/98

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off!

Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

I'm not having hot flashes, I'm having power surges!

Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

If nothing sticks to Teflon, then how does it stick to the pan?

Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.

We have strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Having an out of body experience. Back in five.

Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.

If at first you don't succeed, to heck with it.

Do unto others, then run.-- Benny Hill

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.

It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack.

My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there. -- Carrie Fisher

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. -- Mae West

We are not human doings, rather, we are human beings.

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. -- Lily Tomlin

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It's full of nuts.

Baroque (adj.): When you are out of Monet.

All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen.

Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen?

I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.

I am Woman. I am Invincible. I am Tired.

My Reality Check bounced.

I get plenty of exercise -- jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford?

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

The Truth is Out There. So what are you doing Here?!

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

You are here: X

There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.

Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are. --

It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.

Men don't roar, women roar. Then they throw heavy objects.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.

Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you. (from Bill Murray)

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am?

I have a problem with authority. I AM the authority!

Motherhood: the longest guilt trip you'll ever take.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will Whiz on your computer.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

Motherhood: Another reason why we need God's constant help.

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID submitted by Dave Pearson 2/21/98

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws.

You call Olan Mills before they call you.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You make an appointment to see the dentist.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"

You have a dream about prunes.

You answer a question with, "because I said so!"

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word "equity" means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel. ("Old Folks MTV.")

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

Laws to Live By- submitted by Dave Pearson 2/14/98

"The Law of Reality" Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"The Law of Motivation" Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

"Boob's Law" You always find something in the last place you look.

"Weiler's Law" Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal" Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor" People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law" In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

"Iron Law of Distribution" Them that has, gets.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology" There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkedness" You can't fall off the floor.

"Heller's Law" The first myth of management is that it exists.

"Osborne's Law" Variables won't; constants aren't.

"Main's Law" For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

"Weinberg's Second Law" If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

The Law of Volunteering" If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell" When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense" Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Cynic's Guide to Life - submitted 2/14/98 Leigh Ann Ryan

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

>Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups:>the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.

Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.

Computer Gender - submitted 2/6/98 by Dave Pearson

TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE:

5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.

4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection.

3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.

2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an under powered system.

1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention.

TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE:

5. No one but their creator understands their logic.

4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Marriage Puns - submitted 1/29/97 by Walter Edding

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it's the '90's!, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.

If Jack Handey (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handey Capp Paar King.

If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

REALLY STUPID PEOPLE - submitted 1/26/98 by Maria Langmack

When a woman attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, she got much more than she bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill woman curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokes-man said that the woman admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged her hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the woman who answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, TX, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, RI, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in pennies, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.

Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, MI, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.

Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They mis-spelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.

Oklahoma City - Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "...if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommend a 30-year sentence.

Mary Ann Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When she asked how the system worked, the officers asked her for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them her driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis.

ARE YOU THE IDEAL WOMAN? - submitted 1/9/98 by Hugh Moore

Ladies, how many of these things have you said to your significant other?

1. Just sit there and watch the game. I'll take out the trash.
2. Can I run out and buy you more beer?
3. Don't move, I made you breakfast in bed.
4. I bought you season tickets to your favorite pro team.
5. Go out with your buddies tonight. I'll just sit here and read a book.
6. You take it easy. I'll wash and wax your car.
7. I love when you flick through the channels that fast.
8. Let's watch the Three Stooges.
9. I like your hair just the way it is.
10. Birthdays aren't important.
11. That's OK, you'll remember our anniversary next year.
12. A frying pan. Just what I always wanted.
13. I can't think of a better vacation then driving to the Baseball Hall of Fame.

SEE HOW YOU RATE:

0 -- You are a feminist and you know it.
1-3 --You are a feminist, but your man doesn't know it.
4-7 -- Your man controls you.
8-12 -- You would make a great wife.

Legal Idiocy - submitted 1/9/98 by

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. Q:"Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

Seinfeld Quotes - submitted 12/27 by Hugh Moore

* The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."

* What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."

* Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

* Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

* Why do they call it a "building?" It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built?"

* Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

* How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?

* All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?

* Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a Danish!"

* Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."

* Did you see these new mini van ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!" I think not.

* Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Van Gogh's Relatives - submitted 12/12/97 by Maria Langmaack

After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His obnoxious step brother...............................Please Gogh

His dizzy aunt .....................................Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes..........................Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store.......Stopn Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia.....................U Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois............................Chica Gogh

His magician uncle..................................Wherediddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin..................................Amee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach .................Wellsfar Gogh

The constipated uncle ..............................Cant Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt...........................Tan Gogh

The bird lover uncle................................Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst............................E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin.............................Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking................Wayto Gogh

The little bouncy nephew............................Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco............................Go Gogh

His Italian uncle...................................Day Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van......Winnie Bay Gogh

20 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus - submitted by John Marquette 12/11/97

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the weekend. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the belly dancers arrive.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. "

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

Top Ten Signs You're Sick of the Holidays - submitted 12/03/97 by Louise Donner
10. You've got red and green bags under your eyes
9. You're serving reindeer pot pie
8. When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!"
7. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers in the butt with your BB gun
6. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you
5. Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photo copies
4. You're busted for running through town wearing nothing but mistletoe.
3. You've got eggnog coming out of your ears
2. Your standard response, "And happy holidays to you too, you jerk"
1. Two words: tinsel rash

Kids on Love and Marriage - submitted 11/30/97

Questions about love, marriage and sex were posed to kids ages 5 to 10. Their answers below are enlightening:

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED? "Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can just spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." Judy, 8)

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!" (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" (Lynette, 9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)

WHY DOES LOVE HAPPEN BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE? "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)

WHAT IS FALLING IN LOVE LIKE? "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger,9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)

WHAT IS THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE? "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)

It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)

WHY DO LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS? "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

WHAT ARE THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER? "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

WHAT ARE SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU? "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE? "Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on fire." (Christine, 9)

WHAT ARE MOST PEOPLE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"? "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)

HOW DOES A PERSON LEARN TO KISS? "You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)

"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you... That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)

HOW DO YOU MAKE LOVE LAST? "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love." (Roger, 8)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy, 8)

It Really Means submitted by Maria Langmack 11/23/97

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car." Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver." Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means.... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response, like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea." Really means.... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?" Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me." Really means.... "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain." Really means.... "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means.... "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done." Really means.... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late." Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means.... "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means.... "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." Really means.... "You expect me to stay awake?"

"It's a really good movie." Really means.... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work." Really means.... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" Really means.... "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer & don't know how to use it anyway, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother." Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Football is a man's game." Really means.... "Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house." Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means.... "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means.... "She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping." Really means.... "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means.... "You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really means.... I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present." Really means.... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I miss you." Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means.... "I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle." Really means.... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means.... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night." Really means.... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer." Really means.... "It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means.... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means.... "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means.... "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

"I broke up with her." Really means.... "She dumped me."

It's All In The Name - submitted by Maria Langmack 11/16/97

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural For example...

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American ad campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your > pocket and make you pregnant."

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish > >market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato." Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts.." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water. Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

Driving School - submitted 11/16/97

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Truisms - submitted 11/02/97

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

.........

When birds fly over the sea they are called seagulls....when they fly over a bay are they called "Bagels?"

Bumper Stickers - submitted 10/25/97 by Maria Langmaack

I love cats... they taste just like chicken.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it!

Okay, who stopped payment on my reality check?

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!

Forget About World Peace... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

i souport publik edekasion

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a big enough rock.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put It In Reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder: how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving. I'm reloading.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

More Bumper stickers from Warren

Seen your cat lately? try checking under my tire

Hang up and drive.

22 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator - submitted 10/9/97 by Joe Trnka (via Maria Langmaack)

1 Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, darnit, all of you just SHUT UP!"

2 Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

3 Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"

4 Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.

5 Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

6 When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7 Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."

8 On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

9 Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

10 Meow occasionally.

11 Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

12 Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.

13 Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce: "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

14 Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

15 When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"

16 Say "Ding!" at each floor.

17 Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

18 Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

19 Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

20 Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

21 Make explosion noises whenever anyone presses a button.

22 Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

Stray Thoughts submitted 10/9/97 by Carl Rykaczewski-Colton (via Maria Langmaack)

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts!

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges did not live there.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

So what's the speed of dark?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious!

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and said: "Tell me about some of the tourists who were here last year."

Funny Quotes 8/24/97 submitted by Lori Hultin

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." --Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." -Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

"It's like deja vu all over again." -Yogi Berra

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese" -Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake

"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody." -Richard M. Nixon

"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet." -Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles riots

"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before." -Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money." -Everett Dirksen

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." -Samuel Goldwyn

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."

-John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." -General William Westmoreland

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste."

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." -Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

Strange Questions 4/4/97

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If a mime swears, do you wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice"?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Actual Classifed Ads 2/15/97

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